Episode 120 Equal home and Child Rearing

Autumn Carter: Hello, this is episode 120.

I am so excited you're here. I am going to be talking about chore distribution, household tasks, that type of thing.

Autumn Carter: Welcome to Wellness in Every Season, the podcast where we explore the rich tapestry of wellness in all of its forms. I'm your host Autumn Carter, a certified life coach turned wellness coach, as well as a certified parenting coach dedicated to empowering others to rediscover their identity in their current season of life.

My goal is to help you thrive both as an individual and as a parent.

Autumn Carter: I read this book, hopefully you can see it, it's called The Fair Play Method.

The full title is A Game Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do and More Life to Live. I really enjoyed this book. I read this two and a half years ago, I think. And she also has this card deck. And I love this card deck. I'll share with you how to make it actually work for you.

I've tried to implement this with clients and it's been falling flat. I want to talk about why it's been falling flat, how to make it work in the real world. But let me back up for a minute. This is something that everybody should have some knowledge of, a grasp of. 

The reason why this matters to me is because when I served a mission for my church, and I'm not gonna get churchy beyond this, but I was in a lot of different family houses, and I was able to see how a lot of different family dynamics worked.

I knew that mine growing up did not work, so I was very cognizant of what other people were doing and, oh, that might work for me, that could work for my personality, that's how I want my family to be, that's not how I want my family to be, that type of thing, if that makes sense. And then, I became, a mom myself.

And I, with the way that I was raised, thought I needed to do all the tasks. As much of the child rearing as possible, as much of the tasks as possible, because I went from working and contributing to now being a stay at home mom. However, even when I was working and contributing, I was doing more of the tasks, and that's because I took them on.

As well as the way he was raised, his mother was a stay at home mom, so he was used to the woman doing more things, so he was very willing to let me take the tasks, but it was really up to me. And became a stay at home mom. And realized, holy cow, this is hard, with a little baby who I need to nurse every three to four hours when they're a newborn, and not getting sleep, and everything else.

Things started to fall apart. I started to fall apart. And then I went back to school when my oldest was seven months old. With that one kid, and he learned my fingers apparently, especially my left hand. I had that one child, went back to school, and I was still trying to do it all, and I started to learn in my degree program.

I studied applied health, but I also took a lot of marriage classes, family classes, child rearing classes, things that would apply to me. And things that I wanted to learn, I wanted to strengthen my marriage while I was spending less time around my husband. As women we tend to feel a lot of guilt.

Society tends to accept us having guilt. Push us to have guilt. But, with this. I started to learn about scientific studies that were done on household distribution. What's being done to take care of the home, inside, outside. How much care, who's giving how much care to the children.

To all of the children's needs, even if you don't have kids of your own, there's a lot of needs. Filling out the forms for doctor's appointment, filling out the forms for school, being in charge of who's getting the emails to and from the teacher, who's in charge of updating the shopping list, who's in charge of grocery shopping, who's in charge of paying bills, who's in charge of budgeting, who's in charge of meal planning, making the meals, who's in charge of what parts of cleaning the house or maybe cleaning the entire house or apartment or farm or wherever you live.

So this made sense to me because I was learning that it was very unbalanced that women, even if you're in a same sex relationship, the more feminine. Person does more of the household tasks than the child rearing. And women tend to make less money, and COVID has shown us even more that we are more expendable in the workplace because we, when everything fell apart and everything was shut down, who stayed home to care for the children?

The women. You wanna know why? Because we were paid less. And our jobs were more expendable. Because we're treated that way and we accept it. I Am in the process of designing a program based off of feedback, based off research, based off my own clients, based off of what I'm seeing in social media, based off of studies, a lot of different things, and I'm realizing that it doesn't just need to be a program.

So here's the podcast episode about it. I know this can be triggering, so just bear with me, but the reason why the fair play method started to fall flat is because it became more tasks for the feminine counterpart to do. To read this book. To then get her spouse on board, her partner in crime, her whatever label you want to put on.

And then to make sure that this was going smoothly. To make sure that there were weekly, monthly check ins at whatever time frame was. To make sure that it wasn't falling apart. It was still falling on the more feminine counterpart. It was really great that it was then allowing this division, and it's called Fair Play because it's not meant to be equal, it's meant to feel fair, depending on how many hours you work, depending on your mental load capabilities, depending on frankly, your desires.

For some people It's not that energy depleting to go and cook dinner. It's, it can be like taking a long stroll. It can be very relaxing. That's not usually the case for me, but for some people it is. My mom was that way. For some people, they really enjoy cleaning. That's their way of unplugging, of processing things.

Really the concept of Fair Play is great. I just felt like it was missing this key component of easily getting everybody on board and not making it the feminine counterpart's responsibility. And, Fair Play also does not include the children in this, and I'm very, because of my own experiences from, studies as well, in my degree, that children who are required to do chores in the house, they are cleaner.

They don't make as big of a mess. And then going into scientific studies, they are better as adults and I had several roommates before I was married and several of them had no idea how to do very basic things like clean a toilet or check oil in the car. Change oil. For me, that's basic because of the way I grew up.

Not everybody resonates with that. But, things like, for example, I moved out when I was 18 years old. I did not know how to grocery shop. I did not know how to meal plan. I did not figure out how to properly meal plan in a way that felt right until, I don't know, maybe six years ago? There are these skills that we need to learn that have come by heart, that have been hard for us to come by that we should be passing on to our children.

So that is my whole soapbox. So let's take a moment here and we will do more of a visualization meditation. So let's take time if we're not driving. If we are, keep your eyes open. But If we're not, and we're able to sit still if we don't have children talking to us, I assume we don't because if we're listening to this, probably headphones are in if you're anything like me.

So let's take time to close our eyes if that feels comfortable and just visualize what things are not working right now within our household. Within ourselves Where is our energy being depleted the most? Because as we know we all have things throughout the day that raise our energy and that lower energy So what are those things?

What things do we Think we can easily Get other people on board with to help us What things can we delegate? What things do we hold on to that nobody cares about in our family? Are we holding on to certain celebrations during the year that nobody wants to do, everybody dreads doing? Why are we wasting our energy on that type of moment?

What things do we need to let go of?

What things? We're talking about negative things, so let's switch to positive. What things do we want to do with our life? Do we want to have energy for that fill us up? This will be our motivation. How can we use the idea of delegating things within our family in a way that feels fair? To allow our family to grow, to strengthen, and to become more unified.

Even deeper question. What do you need in this moment?

What else?

What else do you need?

If you need to, pause this and take the time to write down any thoughts, inspiration that came to you. Pull over. Pull out the notes section in your phone. Text it to yourself. I do that.

Is there anything else you need?

Okay. If your eyes are closed like mine were, go ahead and open your eyes. Bat them open. Take a deep breath. Take another deep breath if you need it. Okay. You still with me? Okay, I have had several people email me relating to this. Some of them are single. One in particular, she has five children, and her husband passed away several years ago.

So a lot lands on her. But the question is, does it need to? Yes, there's the build up your village. But let's talk about within, her village. How much easier would it be if things were delegated between all five of her children? Because here's my whole thing. I have several things that I tell my children, especially when I'm frustrated.

I'm not the maid. And the other one is, I did not make this mess, or I did not make this mess alone, so we are helping each other. And when my children do the whole, I didn't make that mess, it doesn't matter, we're all a team. And helping your children learn how to do a chore, and then share it with another child, so you're not having to teach them.

The same children share with each other and switch out chores Helps them learn how to be on a team See, you don't need sports to learn how to be on a team But it is really good for physical activity and mental stimulation and so many other things. That's not what this episode is about We do want our children to know how to cook, to know how to clean, basic care for a car, how to budget What are the things that you left the house not knowing how to do?

How much better would it be if your children left your home knowing how to do those things? And so much more. You have that capability. It is hard to get them started, but once you get that momentum going, it's a lot easier. I promise. Personal experience, coaching experience, but most of all personal experience.

I have four little children. And my youngest is four and my oldest is ten, so they are little. But, if my little children can do it, so can your teenagers. Maybe with grumbles. Maybe you need to incentivize them with music. Think about those things. What do they need? And this is related to wellness, because you Letting your family, encouraging your family, demanding of your family, whatever words you need to put in here, that they also help out, allows you to take time for your own wellness.

For the things that you are needing. For the things that you were telling yourself during our moment to pause and reflect. The things that came up that you needed. 

Another question that I asked people on my newsletter group was I forget how exactly I worded it but it was basically what is making it the hardest Is it your children? Is it your follow through? Is it your significant other's follow through?

And I got some very mixed results. And for some it's all of it. I'm curious for you. What is it? What makes it hard for you to encourage your children to unload the different parts of the dishwasher? All four of my children have a different section, and I take the really tall things. My husband and I are both tall people, so our dishes and our things are up higher, and the stuff that they can reach is lower to allow independence.

And this goes back to, and I was interviewed on a parenting podcast recently, with my parenting mentor. I'm a parenting coach as well. And We talked about the importance of giving children independence, and instilling that in them, and age appropriate independence, and that is one of them. Is making sure that dishes, for us it's plastic dishes, are at their level.

So the things that they use are at their level, easy for them to reach, to allow that independence. So you're not in the middle of a project and they're saying, Mom, I need a plate, I'm hungry for a snack. And the snacks are also at their level. The book is great reading, if you want to take the time to dive into that. If not, try out my program, see how it fits. Because it is meant to be for the entire family, not just for one member of the family to go through. And it's meant for different family dynamics.

I do love this card set. So let me share with you my husband's things compared to my things. And this, you can find it for free on Notion, by the way. The cards. Which we really like that, so we can easily check and uncheck things. We modified some things. I don't know if you grew up with this, but in my family, it's very rude if you do not send thank you notes for things.

So instead, my husband said he would take it over, and he is not somebody who writes notes. But instead, they are videos with the kids saying thank you. So they're more heartfelt and they're easier for us. Or gestures, I don't know what he means by gestures, but that's what he wrote. He is in charge of homework projects.

Yes, please. He's an engineer. I do Applied Health. If it's health related, I'm down. If it's a lot of math, give it to Daddy. And we did Family Counsel, so he's in charge of making sure Family Counsel's together. That's Hasn't happened for a little bit. I'm actually still in charge of that one. So this is why you have the check ins as a couple.

Bathing and grooming of kids. He is in charge of that. He gets the evening routine with kids because I get the horrible morning routine. And while he's doing the evening routine, I get to clean the kitchen. Works for me. I am in charge since COVID of cutting our boys hairs.

Sounds better. And then for my daughter, she and I go out together and get our hair done. Memories and photos. And I tried getting into scrapbooking and doing all that, and it felt very lonely, and it was a lot of stuff, and it was expensive, and I just didn't have time, because I would set it all up, be ready to do it, and be doing it for a while, and then a baby would wake up, and I'd have to put it all away because they're sharp objects, and just stuff I don't want them getting into, so it was just a whole thing, so it never, Got done besides our wedding album and our dating album.

And there's a little bit from when I was a kid that I did up for myself. So my husband is now in charge of memories and photos. But, because he is a tech guy, it is now done on our TV. We have, the Apple TV. And we have it set up that way. Photos go through on there. He gets to edit them, put them on there, done.

I really like that. So it just cycles through on our TV. Our kids love watching it too. And there's memories of, oh, I forgot about that type of thing. And what I like about this deck is there's self care. So each person gets their own self care. So he's in charge of his own self care. Which, as spouses, sometimes we have to be that for our spouse.

On top of everything else on our task list. Have you seen couples like that? Home maintenance, because he's the Mr. Fix It, so yes please. Returns and store credits. He has no problem returning things, and I, the people pleaser in me, struggle with that, so this is his. He's supposed to be opening the mail, sometimes I have to remind him or give him the pile and be annoyed.

He's the calendar keeper, I love this. Being the calendar keeper is a part time job. If you don't realize that. God bless you. He's in charge of the calendar and this was a huge shift for us because I spent hours putting together the calendar with all the school details only to find out I did it wrong and he told me, actually there's a better way you can just export it into Google Calendars and here you go that's now your task. 

School is constantly updating things with snow days or whatever, here's another one. Birthday Celebrations. And in exchange for this one, I get all the magic of putting Christmas together, which is all of the summer things, so it's a lot. He gets this, and he really enjoys putting together the birthday parties and the scavenger hunts for our kids, so it's a lot of fun.

Tutoring and Coaching Kids. That includes teaching them how to read, and eventually how to drive, because I want to keep my sanity. You're going to find out a lot about my personality just through these cards. Groceries. And the reason why he does this instead of me, and this will change in the fall, is because he's now four.

But last year, and the year before, he would need to go potty twice during one grocery shopping trip. He's Able to get in and out very quickly. And because he is an engineer, he has found that Sam's club actually has, there have been studies done. They have cheaper groceries than most like chain grocery stores.

Aldi is cheaper, but that has been amazing for us because they also offer without any upsell that you can. Order through the app. And you can pull up, say I'm here, and they will load it into your trunk. Done. Love that. He gets to deal with the extended family, which is great because most of the extended family is his.

Packing and unpacking for travel. So I am the one who lays everything out on our bed that we will need. And he is really good at Tetris, so he is the one who packs it. Which also means that if I go through it while we're on vacation, everything's a mess. First Aid, Safety and Emergency. That is in his wheelhouse.

He did Boy Scouts back in the day. Auto Care. Engineer. He needs to do that. Home Goods and Supplies, because he grocery shops. Points, Miles and Coupons, because no thank you. Home Purchase, Rental, Mortgage and Insurance. So it's really going through and deciding what things matter to you. Estate planning and life insurance.

We've already got it squared away. There's not really much to do. He just gets to do the upkeep. Job loss and money problems. That gets to be him. Cash and bills. Money manager. Now, I am going to do a whole podcast episode just on this because did you know there's a such thing as financial abuse? So be very careful who has this card.

And be very transparent. Make sure to have a lot of conversations about this. Storage, garage, and seasonal items. I guess he could have this one? I forgot he had this one. I already set it all up, so it's just if anything breaks. Adult friendships. Each person gets their own. So he's in charge of his own stuff.

And I get to focus on mine. So much easier. Informal education kids, and there's a bike on this card. Definitely him. Magical beings, so Tooth Fairy, whatever you believe, depending on your culture, where you're at in the world, that type of stuff. Magical beings. Showing up and participating for kids. I sign up for the sports and he gets to go.

There are some that I go to, so that I can have the one on one time. So we split it up, so we make sure to have one on one time with our kids. Middle of the night comfort, because he is the one, and this is huge, you're gonna wish that you had a husband like this. He is the one who can wake up and easily fall asleep.

I am not. And he, because I was the one who nursed, I could have done formula. I chose nursing. Nursing worked ish for me. He would wake up when the baby woke up. Because I would wake up thinking the baby was awake when our baby was just moving around and try and nurse the baby and we'd all be miserable.

So he would wake up in the middle of the night, do the diaper change, bring the baby into me, be the person I was annoyed with because he woke me up. I would nurse. I would wake him up. He would do the burping while I pass out. And then he would say, okay, the baby's ready for you again. I would nurse on the other side, give him back, roll over, fall asleep, and he would burp and be in charge of putting them back to sleep.

Which, this, here's where I see a lot of people struggle, is that they will say my husband works, so of course I'm up all night with the baby. Okay. But you're also with the baby during the day. So you're with the baby 24 7 without a break. When your spouse gets a break to sleep, and you're not getting one.

So you are working, and I think you need to realize in what way you're working if you are stay at home. Or if you do have little children. That's the big moment there. Travel. As you can see, I'm getting closer on time, but there are a lot of things, just looking at his and the things he does.

And there is even more, because I'm home more. I do this from home. So my cards are even more than his, but we feel that they are fair for where we're at right now in life. And we know that certain cards change depending on the time of year. I get a really big card called Summer Break. I get a lot of really big cards as well.

And, it's about splitting them up. And, I am also in charge of the, making sure the house is clean. Meaning, the chores. He has certain things that he does. I was getting very annoyed. There are four boys in this house. If you count my husband too. I'm sorry, three boys and a man, probably sounds better. So I was getting annoyed with the cleanliness of the toilet.

So he got to take that over and I got to be in charge of making sure the kids clean their parts in the bathroom and filling up the soap dispenser. And he also takes over showers in the bathtub. So that means I am no longer annoyed that he's not cleaning things because that's his task. And if it gets to the point of me being annoyed He knows that I've been annoyed for a while before I'm finally saying something, but there's that aspect where you put on the blinders because that's no longer your responsibility, that's theirs.

It is different with children depending on their age. And you can let natural consequences happen in here. Okay you haven't done this for a while, so that means you're not getting this thing that you want until this happens. Maybe that's not quite natural, but with a teenager, there are certain things that can happen more naturally.

You didn't fill up the gas tank, so I don't know what you're gonna do. You can't go anywhere. You better go get the gas can and figure it out. Those type of things.

I've gone on a very long rant for you, but I hope that you are starting to grasp that this happens in all cultures, that the more feminine version of the person is doing more of the tasks, the childcare, the household care, and as adults, we have a lot on our list to do. And we can be so busy getting those things done in robotic mode that we feel like we haven't done anything for the day.

And what we mean is we haven't done any of the things that we want to do and that feel meaningful to us. And that can be very disempowering to realize that we didn't get things done on our to do list, but we have on our to da list our robotic, Things we do all the time list, but we didn't get that chance to Reach it out to that person who came on our mind We didn't get a chance to read that book that we've been wanting to read.

We didn't get a chance to Drink our cup of whatever while it was still warm we didn't get a chance to Have that conversation with our girlfriend that we've been really needing to have We didn't get a chance to take a bath because we realized that bathtub was dirty so we were too busy scrubbing it.

What things have you been meaning to do for a long time? What would it look like if you re evaluated the things you are doing or not doing and the things that people in your household are doing or not doing? And What would it look like to have everybody be doing their part?

That's the point. Those are some of the coaching questions. And let's dive into some more. What is holding you back from doing the things you want to do? That's a more direct question to the one I asked before. What tasks do you DREAD doing? Capital letters DREAD doing.

What do you wish you had more support in?

What do you wish you had known when you moved out of your family's house for the first time?

What qualities do you want your children to have when they are adults?

How do you want to connect more with your family? How do you wanna connect more with yourself?

How do you show yourself love?

How do you accept love from your family?

Here is a big one that I feel like still goes back to this and who's doing what and the fairness in the home.

What is really standing in the way of sexual intimacy?

What I have found is for a lot of people, it goes back to this.

What would it look like to feel taken care of by everyone in your family?

What would it take for you to feel seen and for the amount that you do for your family to feel seen? You can find this and so much more, On my website, wellnessineveryseason. com slash podcasts. You will find questions to this episode, the transcripts, how to work with me one on one as a coach, programs that Like, the one that is related to this podcast episode that is all about having fair play within the entire family, not just between the couple.

I hope that you really take the time to think about these things and to share this episode with others. Because I know so many women who struggle with this. And that don't even realize that this is part of the root of the problem with their family.

Is that they are not feeling seen. And they may have this dream that is just so huge and feels so aligned and feels like their life purpose. And they cannot complete it because they need to go buy more diapers. Because their spouse forgot to get them. Because they need to go wash all the bedding.

Because their children can't wash their own bedding. Whatever. Insert whatever the thing is in. In those blanks. So many of us have unrealized dreams and potential because we are too busy taking care of other people who really can take care and should be taking care of themselves and learning how to. We want to encourage everybody To be able to own their own stuff.

Insert the cuss word if you want to. And to really be able to fully show up in their lives. And the best way that we can do that is if we gently hold each other accountable to these things. Alright, love you. I'll talk to you later.

Speaker 2: Thanks for tuning in to this week's episode. I am your host Autumn Carter, a certified life coach dedicated to empowering individuals to rediscover their identity, find balance, miss chaos, strengthen relationships, and pursue their dreams. My goal is to help people thrive in every aspect of their lives.

I hope today's discussion inspired you and offered valuable insights. Stay engaged with our wellness community by signing up for my newsletter at wellnessineveryseason. com slash free resources. When you join, you'll have the option to receive a five day guide called awaken and unwind five days to mastering your mornings and evenings, along with free guides, special offers on my programs, practical tips, personal stories.

And much more all related to wellness by signing up for both offers on the page. Don't miss out on these valuable resources designed to help you thrive in every area of wellness. Join today and start your journey to wellness in every season. Your shares, subscriptions, and reviews help us reach more people seeking empowerment.

So please spread the word about our podcast and about our newsletter. Thank you for being a part of our podcast community. I look forward to continuing our conversation, sharing stories, and exploring wellness in all of its aspects. Take care until our next episode. You can also work with me one on one or on demand through one of my programs.

By visiting wellnessineveryseason. com slash programs. One last thing to cover the show legally. I am a certified life coach giving general advice. So think of this, this more as a self help book. This podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes only. I am not a licensed therapist. So this podcast shouldn't be taken as a replacement for professional guidance from a doctor or therapist.

If you want personal one on one coaching from a certified life and parenting coach, go to my website, wellnessineveryseason. com. That's where you can get personalized coaching from me for you. See you in next week's episode.