Episode 161: Childhood Resilience

[00:00:00] Autumn Carter: This is episode 1 61.

[00:00:04] Welcome to Wellness In Every Season, the podcast where we explore the rich tapestry of wellness in all of its forms. I'm your host, autumn Carter, a certified life coach, turn wellness coach, as well as a certified parenting coach dedicated to empowering others to rediscover their identity in their current season of life.

[00:00:23] My goal is to help you thrive, both as an individual and as a parent.

[00:00:27] Today I have with me Tara Geraghty. She is with Hey girl, you can, and today we are gonna be talking a lot about resilience. She's an author. She is a coach. She also does public speaking. She's also been on TEDx. She has been in my very first newsletter bundle that I did. and we connected really well and I told her I wanted to have her on. So here she is. And we started talking and I realized I should be recording. So I made her stop talking so we can start recording.

[00:00:59] [00:01:00] We'll start where we were just talking and then we'll backtrack, which is new for me. But before we hit record, we were talking about how my 4-year-old, I am having him come with me to my orthodontist appointment because he is in speech and he can't get his tongue in the right spot because his palate is misformed.

[00:01:20] And when I was asking the dentist about it, normally I don't go to the dentist appointments, my husband does. She said, yeah, why don't you have him see the orthodontist?

[00:01:30] I'm not sure what age he goes there. So I called them and they said they're willing to have him get x-rays done. And I was telling Tara, I'm not sure how that's gonna go with my 4-year-old. He is the easier personality, but he's still four and she was giving really great advice. Go ahead and give your advice and then share with us

[00:01:50] why you have this advice, how you gained this knowledge.

[00:01:54] Tara Geraghty: Yeah, so what I was basically saying is that children, particularly medical, and I will tell you, your son's at the perfect [00:02:00] age because at 3, 4, 5 years old, they're old enough that you can talk to them, right? And they can talk back, but they're young enough that whatever you tell them they believe.

[00:02:11] So if you're like, this is gonna be really fun, I'm so excited, you're gonna get to sit in the big boy chair. So literally, my daughter had to do an x-ray one time, and she was terrified to get onto the machine. And I was like, you get to sit on the princess pillow. Are you kidding? Can I sit on the princess pillow?

[00:02:28] And then of course, you know the medical people, they're not as quick as you are, so you have to be like, wait. You are not gonna let me sit on the princess pillow. Only she gets to sit in the princess pillow. So I would even do that in sitting in the chair. Because we have to remember, like for children, you're like, it's not a big deal.

[00:02:41] It's getting an x-ray, but it's a new room. It has new scary smells, it has all this stuff around. There's a big x-ray machine that's gonna come close to my face. This is scary for a child. This isn't normal. So where we're just like, oh, just sit in there, tear, tear and take the x-ray. We're not acknowledging it.

[00:02:56] Sometimes I think we underestimate, like that can feel a little scary [00:03:00] for a kid. So if you go in, but now it's different if you're already sitting in the chair. But let's say you go in the x-ray room 'cause you probably might be in a chair that you didn't get to sit in. You gotta make a really big deal that he's the only one who gets to sit in the chair.

[00:03:12] And how unfair that is to you. Because kids love when things are unfair to adults, right? So you have to be a little willing to look stupid in front of other adults and look silly and be like, wait, that's not fair. I don't get to sit in the chair. How come he only gets to sit in the chair?

[00:03:27] That's not fair. Think about your little kid. If you're sitting there whining like a baby, that is not fair to you. They think this is hysterical. They're gonna climb into that chair so fast that you're not gonna be able they're gonna sit there and be like, yeah, that's right. I get to sit in the chair.

[00:03:41] And then I was saying when, my daughter had to do x-rays when she was about three years old. And so we, they put the little black thing in your mouth, which come on life, let's be real. It does not feel good. Nobody likes it. You have to bite down on it. So we called it a cookie because cookies are yummy and people like to eat cookies.

[00:03:54] And we would say it's a magic cookie. Now it's a cookie that you're not gonna swallow. You're not gonna eat it, but you're gonna put a [00:04:00] cookie in your mouth and see how well you can hold the cookie in your mouth. Okay? So you have to open up and let's get the cookie in. And this is so fun. It's not fun, but you have to remember, kids don't know what they don't know.

[00:04:10] If you tell them this is fun and you're getting to eat the cookie in the prince, chair and the throne and the king's chair. Now this is fun. And then I don't know why, but I thought the x-ray machine looked like an ostrich. I could see somebody saying an elephant or whatever animal, but to me it had an ostrich head.

[00:04:25] That's what I thought. And so we named it. So this is another thing, and they do this with people who have phobias. If you're afraid of something and you name it, there's a psychological thing that happens in your brain that it gives it human-like quality. And so it's less scary. So they'll do this with somebody who has like a phobia on a snake or if a phobia on like a vacuum, if you name it, it's not as scary.

[00:04:45] There's also some research that you can do. The same thing in business. If you're afraid to pick up the phone and call your clients and you name your phone, then it's more like the phone is your friend and you can be a partner and you guys are helping each other. So it's just how our brain works.

[00:04:57] Funny like this. So we named it, I don't remember [00:05:00] what we named the ostrich, but I was like, okay, this ostrich is gonna come down and it's gonna give you like a little magic kiss and it's gonna come close to your face and it's just gonna kiss you. You're not gonna feel it. It's gonna be like a magic kiss.

[00:05:10] You're not gonna feel it, but it's gonna come really close and give you little special kisses. And it's not fair. It's only gonna kiss you. It's not gonna kiss Mommy. That's not fair at all. But okay, ready? First kiss. Don't move. Don't move. It's gonna kiss you. You did so amazing. Oh, you did such a great job.

[00:05:24] Now it wants to kiss you again. Does it? And then you have to again act stupid in front of the adults. Does the ostrich kiss everybody twice? No, just him. It, you did so well that now at once, two kisses. And so it's almost like the kids don't understand why you're such a freak. And so they're so focused on the fact that my mom's acting so funny and weird, but they don't have time to think.

[00:05:46] This is scary. And if you think about it it makes a lot of sense because when a kid picture a little kid, he's four years old, he running, he falls on his face. What is the first thing he does? He actually doesn't cry. First he looks up [00:06:00] to see, should I look at my mom? And based on my mom's reaction, I will decide if I am hurt, right?

[00:06:05] So if mom looks like, oh my gosh, you just lost all your teeth. There's gonna be that split second when all of a sudden they're gonna start crying. But if mom looks like. You doing? What are you trying to be silly? Get up. That is so ridiculous. They might have a moment of I think I am hurt, but mom, I thinks I'm not hurt.

[00:06:22] I guess I'm okay now. Obviously there's a case where he did really fall and break all his teeth, right? And he's gonna cry. But I would say that's not all the time, most of the time it's they're, looking to you to see how should I react in this situation?

[00:06:35] They're like little dogs. You know how like dogs feel your energy? Like they always say you shouldn't be friends with somebody or date somebody if your dog doesn't like them. Because the dog knows kids are like that. They feel our energy. So if we're nervous, if we're like, oh my gosh I'm just nervous, he's gonna freak out in this chair and I know the X-ray's not a big deal, but I'm just apprehensive about, he's gonna feel, it's almost like that child who literally [00:07:00] spawned out of you.

[00:07:00] Like they share your energy, right? They feel that and they don't know why. They feel that and then all of a sudden they're nervous and they don't know why they're even nervous. And then they're starting and then it's escalating and escalating But if you can totally diffuse that, this is silly, this is fun, this is a big deal.

[00:07:18] This is like a big kid thing. Do you know that most four year olds don't get to get x-rays? Did you realize how cool you are? Like your sister had to wait till she was like 13 to get x-rays. I would even bring a special crown and I would be like, now when you sit in the chair, because it's like a throne, you'll get to wear the crown.

[00:07:36] You could make it into a party day that this is like your first big kid party day at the dentist and we're gonna go celebrate afterwards and you're gonna get to do something special. Because most four year olds don't get to have a party day like this. And I would even go in there 'cause I guarantee there's probably not other four year olds in the dentist's chair.

[00:07:51] And particularly 'cause you're going to your dentist, right? So I would literally walk in there and I'd be like. I don't see any other kids. You are so special. [00:08:00] Do you see any other kids here getting to sit in this chair? Do you see any other kids getting to get x-rays? What did you do that makes you so special?

[00:08:08] It's just all you, it's just totally the environment and the fantasy world that you create and that will determine how he's gonna show up. So I'm excited to hear how this appointment goes. Yeah. And like how silly you can be. Yeah.

[00:08:22] Autumn Carter: So what would you say to adults who have fear? Because I feel like we could do that even for ourselves.

[00:08:28] Tara Geraghty: Yeah. Oh girl. I don't know. I, that might be a different thing for me because I literally, it's so funny. I am the biggest baby when it comes to medical stuff. So I'm gonna tell you something embarrassing and I know this is wellness. I am not giving you wellness advice. I am not a wellness coach. Autumn is going to probably cancel this episode when I tell her what I did.

[00:08:47] So I, have an injury in my foot that has been, wanna use the word traumatic because I feel like it has been traumatic. I had a piece of wood that went in my foot, which then my foot swelled up. And because it's been such a problem now for so [00:09:00] many months, my back went out for the first time in my life.

[00:09:02] Let me tell you, the most horrific pain ever, right? So I've had to go get a second opinion MRI, they're telling me I'm fine. I'm like, no, I literally can stand and feel that I'm off, right? So they get my MRI back and I'm in the doctor's office and he goes I think the best way to handle this right now, we have a lot of scar tissue, is we're gonna give you a cortisone shot in your foot and that should help take down the swelling and maybe help loosen up some of the scar tissue.

[00:09:25] And I literally was like, wait, what? Like a, needle. And he's yeah, like it is a little needle. I was like I can't do this today. I was like, I'm not mentally prepared for this, and I don't know why your foot feels like such a vulnerable spot.

[00:09:39] Like I might have actually been better like in my arm. And I was like, but just the idea that I was going to give him my foot and he was gonna shoot a shot. I literally was like I am not emotionally prepared for this right now. I am coming back with an emotional support person and a bottle of tequila.

[00:09:57] I was like, can you medicate me ahead of time? He's no. I'm [00:10:00] like, can they put me to sleep? He's we don't do that for cortisone shots ladies. I was like, can I bring my own medicine. I'm coming back with a bottle of tequila. He's look, whatever you need to do to get through this.

[00:10:10] So I kid you not, I booked it the next week. I brought my emotional support person who drove me there. I don't even know if I can legally say this. I drank the tequila in the car on the way there. It was nine o'clock in the morning. I literally had a bottle of tequila I got in the office.

[00:10:25] I continued to drink the tequila. I was buzzed and happy. I said to the nurse, I brought my own medication and she, was funny. She goes, that's okay. I smoke. I was like, okay. As long as we're all medical professionals here. So he just puts the needle and I didn't realize, I thought it went in and went out.

[00:10:46] It really doesn't. They put it in and then it stays there for a little bit. So I was like, how much longer are you keeping this in my foot? Take it out. I'm like, I need more tequila for this. I then left. I was like, I am happy. [00:11:00] I might need to do another one. That will be how I do my next one as well.

[00:11:04] But honestly, I probably would not have been able to get through it if I did not have the tequila and I don't feel too guilty about it because they give people Valium and Ativan and all that stuff and I did something more natural. But I, said to my partner, I don't think I've ever drank at nine in the morning like this.

[00:11:22] I should have thought that through. Like I should have booked it later in the day. On the other hand, I think that I would've just had anxiety all day. So it was like, okay, let's just get it over at nine o'clock in the morning. But then, yeah, I literally started my Friday. I was like this is gonna be a happy day.

[00:11:36] It was happy hour at nine in the morning. So I don't know that I'm a great person to give medical advice for adults 'cause that's legit how I coped. Yeah.

[00:11:46] Autumn Carter: So you needed somebody to do the princess chair and everything else.

[00:11:49] Tara Geraghty: I, am such a baby. I can't handle pain. I have passed out one time, like having my blood drawn and my daughter laughs at me because she has a pain threshold of on a one to 10, she's a 12, and [00:12:00] I'm like a negative two.

[00:12:01] So she is literally mom, you are insane. But I have a zero pain tolerance.

[00:12:09] Autumn Carter: Horrible. And I would've been like, you know what, let's just do it now. So I don't, because for me it's the, I don't know what this is gonna be like, and the psychological let's just do it now before I have a chance to freak out.

[00:12:23] Did have that thought, but knowing the needle's gonna be staying in there.

[00:12:27] Tara Geraghty: And I'm sure in retrospect it was probably like five seconds or 10, like a half a minute. But for me it felt I was like, are you ever taking this needle out? It just, I see needles, I see blood, I'm like.

[00:12:40] Oh, I'm done. And I just, I really don't have a good pain tolerance. I have claustrophobia, so one time I tried to get an MRI, and I did get them to give me Valium ahead of time and I still freaked out. In the MRI can only do an open MRI. So yeah, I can help you with your kids, but don't come near [00:13:00] me because I don't know that people want me giving medical advice of bringing tequila to the doctor's office, but that's awesome.

[00:13:08] They're gonna remember you there. Oh my gosh. I know. I was like, I'm so sorry. I think I was really loud. She's yeah, we did hear you in the lobby. I was like, great. Sorry. No, but kids when you have a, kid, particularly like under eight I think that you're at this prime time to really shape their, experience.

[00:13:29] I was telling you before we started recording, there's medical research that shows children who had really traumatic surgeries, like horrible things that happened to them when they were little, when they've come back and tracked them as an adult and ask 'em about their memories, and I'm gonna say memories loosely, like their memories about their traumatic surgery, medical procedures, things like that.

[00:13:47] What they found was that the child's memory really was just correlated to the adults, the parent's memory. That the child itself didn't really have its own memories on a same level. If they thought the surgery was really horrific and traumatic, and it was like the worst [00:14:00] thing that happened to them it, really was because that was how the parents saw it.

[00:14:03] If the parents were like, yeah, it was a horrible thing, but we got through it and we can do hard things and we moved on. Then the child also felt that way.

[00:14:10] Autumn Carter: My experience as a kid with my surgeries that I had. How old were you? I'm shaking my head yes. Like I know the scientific studies.

[00:14:15] No, I know the me studies. Yeah, I was 12. And how did your parents respond? I was 12 and then I was 16. My mom, it's a hereditary condition, so the youngest one, it actually makes sense that he might be one who needs surgery too later on, not for his mouth. My mom had this surgery and hers was very traumatic and my surgery, they had come out with a new procedure and they were just teaching the doctors in Arizona about it.

[00:14:44] So my parents were very freaked out about it. My mom, it was all her own stuff that she needed to, go through. And honestly, this is a moment to take a pause and if you're having that's [00:15:00] when you should see a therapist. Not have your 12-year-old trying to help you out. So I was actually probably around nine when they started this conversation, but they waited that long.

[00:15:13] Like it was apparent to the doctors. They started that conversation with my parents, my dad's religious background. They don't do you don't go to the doctor. So it was even a big deal that I was vaccinated and went to the doctor. And that was more of my mom's doing because she grew up with a different religion anyway.

[00:15:32] Yeah. It was a lot of my mom having her emotions come up and her trying to process 'em. So I felt like it went to my self-worth. And like I'm causing this pain for my mom. And then I had my surgery. I woke up Unsedated and I had surgery on my sides and I'm trying to roll over.

[00:15:52] I'm thrashing around. The nurses are holding me down. My dad was there, which legally you're not supposed to be, but my aunt worked in the [00:16:00] hospital so she was able to get him in. So he's even holding me down. So it was his trauma from that I remember more than anything. And then I was asking to die 'cause I was in pain like I was, put me out, whatever it's gonna take, remove this from 12-year-old me.

[00:16:15] The nurse was calling the doctor upset what's going on? Actually, the anesthesiologist. 'cause there should have been pain meds in me when I woke up. Someone screwed up there.

[00:16:27] Tara Geraghty: Yeah,

[00:16:28] Autumn Carter: there could have definitely been a lawsuit, but this was back in a while ago. We'll not talk about my age.

[00:16:34] And then there was my recovery from that. And then the surgery to remove the device that was put in. And my mom would tell strangers in the grocery store, like the cashier about my surgery and all this other stuff and how I wasn't doing my exercises right. So I have a lot of that around there.

[00:16:52] And then there's so many reasons why my husband is just perfect for me. Like he is so good for our family. He is just a [00:17:00] great person and very opposite of what I grew up with on purpose. Yeah. I chose that one on purpose, but me telling him I wasn't sure about having kids because of this and everything else.

[00:17:11] Sure. Obviously I'm recovered enough, I have four kids. I changed my mind.

[00:17:16] Tara Geraghty: Yeah.

[00:17:16] Autumn Carter: But his whole surgery's gonna be even better when our, if our kids need it at that point in time. And you and I have got this together. We understand modern medicine, like we're not going to be putting that on our children.

[00:17:32] And I had that just huge feeling of peace.

[00:17:37] Tara Geraghty: Yeah. And also you can look at it and think, how would I have wanted my mom to react and then show up that way? I think it's tough because, and I so feel for your mom, because my daughter has had three life-threatening diagnosis and now that she's 19, [00:18:00] I notice even just the transition of you spend so much of her life, just trying to keep her alive.

[00:18:09] That's not a normal experience for a parent, right? Like most parents that's not there day to day. And I'm struggling with the transition now of her taking over and owning her own health and making her own health decisions. It's been hard.

[00:18:22] She just had her first year of college, and she ended up with pneumonia. It was very frustrating. We went to a new hospital because she does have medical trauma. She actually had done really well. And then when she got diagnosed with a heart condition in high school that one just put her over the edge.

[00:18:35] She ended up in a nine hour surgery and, it was the kind of thing where she was living her life. She was in great place. She just went to do a follow-up treatment and they found something. That was really bad.

[00:18:44] So she ends up with pneumonia. We go into a hospital and, I'll say that when you have a kid, you're very aware of your body. Like she's very in tune with what's going on, what's not right. If something's wrong. So we're in the emergency room and she's had a really high fever for three days.

[00:18:56] My daughter will not go to a hospital literally unless a limb is falling off [00:19:00] because of her medical trauma, right? So she's saying to me like, mom, maybe we should go to the hospital. Something's bad, right? And we're in the emergency room and I said to the doctor this is all of her preexisting conditions and blah, blah, blah.

[00:19:11] And so my daughter's a cancer survivor. And so he goes she doesn't have cancer. And I'm like, okay buddy. I don't think she has cancer. I don't think she's relapsed from her childhood cancer. I think that there could be something wrong though. And she has other, like an autoimmune and everything else.

[00:19:26] They did not do any lab work. All they would do is a virus test, like a virus panel. They wouldn't do any blood work. And at one point my daughter's I'm exhausted. I can't get outta bed. Like I'm sleeping 12 hours a day. I'm so tired. And I've felt like this for a couple of weeks.

[00:19:43] And then the doctor looks at her and he goes do you think maybe you have allergies? And at that point she looked at me and I, knew exactly what she was thinking. She was like, we're outta here. This guy's a moron. And so we go home, she's not feeling any better. I sending her back to school.

[00:19:56] She's still not better. A week later we ended up going to her regular hospital where we [00:20:00] normally go. And she ended up getting admitted for a day or two in the hospital because she had such severe, full blown pneumonia that when they got her test results back, they were like, okay, now we're concerned something else was going on because these labs are so horrific.

[00:20:13] And while we were there, they wanted her to do a CAT scan. And she was like, no. And I'm like, oh my God, she's 19. I can't force her to do a CAT scan. And the doctor's what do you mean no? And she says to her doctor this is, ugh.

[00:20:31] She goes, look, if I scan you, I'm sure I'm gonna find something wrong with you two. She's so I don't need you to scan me. I just need you to get rid of my pneumonia. That's what you said I have, and I'm going home. And I was like, oh, I'm so sorry. But for her it's, I think a lot about taking back power and taking back, owning her body and what she's gonna let people do and not do.

[00:20:55] And that's difficult as a mom to be like, okay [00:21:00] I've, spent her entire life having to make literal life and death decisions for her and the weight of that. And on one hand it's like a weight off of my shoulders of okay, I got you to live until 18. Whatever you do now, kid, that's up to you.

[00:21:19] I did my job, weight lifted off my shoulders. And then you balance that with oh my God, you're still my baby. So I'm, on a growth journey right now. Is she's 19? I don't know if I'm wading through it really well. I will say though, one thing that I should have said when you said how as an adult, how can we handle our health?

[00:21:36] And this is what I talk about in my TEDx talk is specifically about children and making medical experiences fun for children and the medical research that backs that. But I will also say that most of the medical research is done on adults. We don't do a lot of medical research on children.

[00:21:53] There's not a lot of holistic kind of health work done on children. 'cause people don't wanna take a chance. And [00:22:00] there is. So all the research shows there's about over 2000 studies in the National Library of Medicine that show how laughter and fun can impact your medical experience.

[00:22:13] One of the most interesting studies is that women who have breast cancer, when they have the radiation , one of the worst side effects is like the skin gets burned on the breast area. It's very painful. Women who went in and did laughter yoga for an hour prior to their radiation actually had less of this, side effect. And it's because when you laugh, your body literally releases feel good hormones. You're releasing dopamine, you're releasing all these really good, yummy hormones that are good for your body, that then your body can tolerate pain better, your body can recover better. They did a research study with people who had surgery and the people who had surgery, who watched comedy shows and were [00:23:00] laughing before their surgery, and then they had another group that watched like miserable, like documentaries and news and stuff that would make you ugh, right?

[00:23:07] The people who had the watch, the comedies needed less pain meds after their surgery. Their body was in a state to be able to handle the pain better. So part of what I talk about in my, TEDx is that and if you, wanna watch it, it's called Choosing Fun in the Chaos of Cancer. Why are we not talking about this?

[00:23:24] It's in the show. Linked

[00:23:24] Autumn Carter: in the show notes.

[00:23:25] Tara Geraghty: I'm like, why are we not talking about this in the medical world? Like, why are we not using things? Like I have a friend who had to go through breast cancer and she was doing the radiation, and I said, look, when you go sit in the room, put on a podcast and listen to some kind of standup comedy, do something that gets your body feeling really well.

[00:23:41] She did great for her treatment. And she said to me afterwards, she said so many people would say to me, we'd love the days that you're here for your treatment because her laughter made everybody else in the room feel good before their treatment. And she said, yeah. They were all like, oh, we love when you come because it just like you affect other [00:24:00] people.

[00:24:01] But even with the surgery I remember one time sitting in an emergency room and I was there for me, and I'm sitting in the emergency room and the news is on, and I literally went over to the front desk and I was like, can you please turn the TV off? I already feel crummy and horrible. I don't need to be watching about this person was murdered and this person was arrested and this person got run over by a car

[00:24:23] i'm already in that negative state, right? Like, why is that what they're playing in the emergency room? I don't even understand, particularly because this isn't my feel good opinion. There's medical research to back this. There's medical research that says when your body is putting out good hormones, good dopamine good, feel good hormones, your body is going to heal better.

[00:24:46] It's going to respond better to stress. When you laugh, you create blood flow and oxygen flow into your body, which then helps your immune system. I mean there's, it's crazy all this research, but [00:25:00] I, have a little conspiracy theory that the reason we don't talk about it is because you can't sell it.

[00:25:05] You can't monetize a app.

[00:25:08] Autumn Carter: It's easier to sell fear, unfortunately.

[00:25:09] Tara Geraghty: Yeah.

[00:25:10] Autumn Carter: Which is the news.

[00:25:11] Tara Geraghty: You can and it's easier to say if you have pain, let's give you a drug versus let's give you yoga. Laughter yoga before your treatment so it's crazy to me that we have, particularly in the medical world for children. It's so fear-based. I remember one time my daughter was going in, it was horrible. She was going in for a follow-up scan where they would have to sedate them and it was in a new hospital.

[00:25:39] They didn't do things the way that we did, where everything was fun and we made everything a party. And they were just like let's go. Let's get her in, let's lay her down and whatnot. And so she started to get really nervous and they literally were holding her down to sedate her.

[00:25:50] Kind of what you were describing. And I remember screaming in the room and being like, you need to stop this. This is traumatic for a child. And here's the thing. There is [00:26:00] a better way. You do not need to hold a child down. There is a better way, but you need to understand how to do that.

[00:26:05] And they're not teaching. The only people who know how to do that is the Child Life staff. And if you have an opportunity to be in a hospital where there is a child life, you can request, if you're in a hospital where your child has to go in for a procedure, you can ask the hospital, do you have child life?

[00:26:20] And it's basically a kind of like a therapist who's there to help with the emotional component of the medical procedure to be there for the child. So they help make it less scary. They help explain what's going to happen. So they're not doctors and nurses they're at a child's level to make this a less traumatic experience.

[00:26:42] Autumn Carter: A doula for the child, like Exactly. Doula death. Yes. Not that I've ever used any of those, but like my idea of what they are.

[00:26:49] Tara Geraghty: I brought my own doula to the hospital. So yes, there you go. Most people don't even know that they can request that.

[00:26:55] Yeah, I had no idea. So always ask, is there a child life on staff? [00:27:00] And most major hospitals do. It's unfortunate. I think every place should have them, but they're really the ones who are equipped and skilled to be able to make it less scary for a kid.

[00:27:10] Autumn Carter: Honestly, this brings me back to, I had two miscarriages and when I called the staff was very uncompassionate.

[00:27:20] And it's one of those, this happened. You get phone calls like this all the time. This is new for me. I don't know what's going on. And it goes back to the training, training your staff on how to be compassionate, how to remember that they see these things all the time.

[00:27:36] So they become very desensitized to it. But they shouldn't be. Yeah. And they need to remember, at the end of the day, these are people, and when you stop to give them attention, you can actually, depending on the person, depending on the age too, if they're retired, it could be a little different. But giving them the time and space to feel their emotions and to [00:28:00] guide them through it, that works so much better.

[00:28:02] And you're giving them the idea, especially if you have to see them again. This is how I am and I'm still gonna help you get through it quickly, but be very aware and with you.

[00:28:11] No, there's a better way. It should be about no matter your age, no matter where you are in life, no matter your race. I was really thinking about how people who are listening. She is white. I don't know your nationality for sure, but she's white and she had problems in the hospital. There are so many statistics on if you are a different race, non-white race, you are gonna be ignored even more so in a hospital.

[00:28:40] Yes. And also because you're a woman, you're gonna be ignored a little bit more. But really remembering that we are people at the end of the day and listen to them and give space for people. Is it that hard?

[00:28:54] Tara Geraghty: I used to be on our state and public affairs committee and one of the things that we were working on was [00:29:00] the fact that minority women are more likely to die in childbirth.

[00:29:03] Yep. And. This is a scary, reality. The first surgery done with where the anesthesia, where you're not put asleep, local anesthesia you have pain meds, but you're awake was done on a black woman because it, there's a belief that black women tolerate pain better than white women.

[00:29:24] It's also why if you are a white woman and you go into your doctor, you're more likely to be prescribed antidepressants and pain meds because you're weaker. And if you're a minority, you're supposed to be stronger. And so what happens is when these women are saying during childbirth or shortly after childbirth, like something's wrong, like I can tell something's wrong.

[00:29:44] They're really dismissed, they're not listened. And so we, had an initiative here in New Jersey that would provide more training to. Medical professionals on this kind of like bias that they have. And I've talked to people who say that it's still even happening in medical schools. This [00:30:00] like almost like this under level bias training where if you're a minority you're, just not heard in the same way or you're concerns aren't addressed in the same way.

[00:30:12] So that is, definitely true. I will tell you one tip that I learned is that I think that people who go into medicine, truly the majority of people that I have worked with. 99.9% of the people I worked with truly are there because they wanna help people.

[00:30:25] They wanna make a difference. They wanna serve, they're dedicating their lives. When you look what a resident has to go through to become a doctor, like it's tough for them. And I have nurses that took care of my daughter when she had high risk stage four cancer.

[00:30:38] I lived with them in a hospital for a year. I still stay in touch with them. I still stay in touch with my daughter's surgeon. She saved my daughter's life. These people became like my family. I'm grateful for them on a very deep level. I also think that they only know what they know.

[00:30:55] You know your body better because you live with your body longer than anybody else. And [00:31:00] reality is you also know your child better. You know, your child better than anybody else. 'cause you're the only one who's in the room with your child 24 7, right? And so when you're trying to advocate for yourself, sometimes it can be really hard, whether it's for you or for your child.

[00:31:13] You're trying to advocate and be heard. And they're like this is the way we do things. Or this is what they know that has worked before. And it's coming from a place of I, don't think maliciousness, I think it's just this is my expertise. This is what I think we should do. Why aren't you listening to this?

[00:31:27] And you might have a different idea. So a really simple phrase that you can use is, do you think it would be reasonable too? So for example, let's say they're like we're gonna, we're gonna do this procedure first. But you're thinking, I would like to try this first.

[00:31:41] You could say do you think it's reasonable to try this first before we go here? Or let's say they wanna try this medication and you wanna have a different idea. Do you think it'd be reasonable first to maybe try this medication first, whatever it is that you wanna try? It's just a really simple phrase.

[00:31:55] Do you think it would be reasonable too? I've never had anybody be able to come back and be like, no, [00:32:00] that doesn't seem reasonable. That would be a weird response to be like, that's not reasonable. So most people, when you phrase it that way, are like yeah I guess that sounds reasonable to try it.

[00:32:12] And it also shows that you are being a reasonable person. You're not challenging their authority, you're not challenging their expertise. You're just questioning is it reasonable to try this? I've just found it's a really soft way to be able to advocate for yourself or for your child.

[00:32:28] Autumn Carter: Like that. And how does all of what we're talking about tie into resiliency? Especially let's, take this back to your daughter and you're at the first hospital. How does this go into resiliency?

[00:32:42] Tara Geraghty: Yeah, so resiliency by definition, like if you go to the root word of what does resiliency really mean, because people get confused what the word means.

[00:32:51] It just means that can you spring back? Can you bounce back? If you get knocked down? Can you pick yourself back up? [00:33:00] I personally, as a mom, I believe it is the most important skill that we can give our children. I truly believe because my daughter's an only child. I'm her only parent. I had gone through a, really horrific domestic violence divorce while she was going through cancer.

[00:33:13] So she has not had contact with her father since she was four years old. She doesn't have. Cousins who are her age. So I really feel like one of the things that keeps me up at night, try not to, but that I worry about is like, when I'm not here who's, gonna take care of my daughter?

[00:33:31] I'm very close to my brothers. I'm very fortunate that I have those, I have cousins that I'm close to. She doesn't have that. I'm like, who's gonna take care of her? So if I am not gonna be here to take care of her what is the most important skill that I could possibly pass on to this child?

[00:33:43] And as a parent, we think I want her to have work ethic, right? I want her to have confidence. I want her to have good people skills. I want her to whatever it is. But I always go back to, I want her to have resiliency. I want her to know that whatever happens in life, if she gets knocked down, whether that's a death, a divorce, it [00:34:00] gets downsized, a disability a, world crisis like we just went through, right?

[00:34:05] Whatever happens, does she have the ability to pick herself back up if I'm not there to pick her up? And so I, truly believe it is the most important, gift that we can give our children as resiliency where the, struggle becomes as parents is that resiliency is a muscle. And the way you develop a muscle, any muscle, like if you work out and you wanna build a muscle, the only way to get a big muscle is you have to work the muscle to a point that actually causes a little damage.

[00:34:35] It tears the fibers, it breaks down the fibers, it injures the muscle, and then the muscle regrows itself and comes back stronger. How do you become resilient? You have to get broken down a little bit. You have to get torn up a little bit. You have to get a little hurt so that you can realize, I can pick myself up.

[00:34:56] I'm able to get back up. Nothing can knock me down. [00:35:00] And as parents, we don't want our kids to get hurt. We don't want our kids to be disappointed. We don't want our kids to be frustrated. We want everybody to get a trophy and feel good. And that actually doesn't serve them. It makes them weak.

[00:35:15] And one of the things that hopefully is that when our kids are little, we let them fall just enough that it's a safe fall. It's not a life altering decision. It's a mess up enough, pay enough consequences that are a little painful, but it doesn't really change the course of their life.

[00:35:35] It gives them a chance to build up this muscle in a very small way where we're there, if they really fall and really get hurt, we can pick them up, right? And then as they get older we let them get hurt a little bit more, but we're still there. They have a safety net. We're still there as parents, right?

[00:35:48] So that when they get out into the real world and we're not able to pick them up, they've built up a muscle enough that they're strong enough, right? That's the goal. It's that what we wanna do as parents is we wanna, as soon as we [00:36:00] see them fall, we wanna run and be like no, I'll catch you. I'll fix you.

[00:36:02] I'll make sure it's okay for you. I will not let you fall and get hurt. But that's

[00:36:06] Autumn Carter: because we love them, that we do that. Yes. So why does that hurt them?

[00:36:10] Tara Geraghty: Because then they're not gonna be able to do it themselves, and you're not always gonna be there.

[00:36:13] And if you love your child, here's what's hard. I love my daughter probably in a way that I'm sure a therapist is like it's this little bizarre because of the trauma that we've been through together.

[00:36:21] Autumn Carter: Gonna say, that's because of trauma.

[00:36:23] Tara Geraghty: Yeah. I love my child in a way that like I, know it's this is mom.

[00:36:26] She's mom, like I, I'm like, we're gonna be besties forever. I, remember I started working with a therapist after she went to college. 'cause I was like, going through all this trying to really unpack like we had between the domestic violence and all of her life illnesses a lot there.

[00:36:41] And she said to me Tara what, would happen one day if she says, mom, I wanna move to Europe. And I, kid you not. I was like I guess I could live in Europe. She was like, alright, you're gonna need to come back, lady. This is not good. So I get it we love our kids so much, [00:37:00] but it's because I love her that I want her to be strong.

[00:37:04] It's because I love her. I want her to be okay if I'm not here it terrifies me that one day I will not be here to make sure she's okay. And that's a reality. Hopefully that is like every parent, like we hope that we our children outlive us. That is our goal, right? So if that is the goal, then I, have to be willing to watch her get a little disappointed to watch her get picked up.

[00:37:27] And I will say, I actually think life is making that harder to happen. And I'll give you an example. My daughter senior year decided that showing up at school on time was optional. She did not need to be there. I had the school, I had the school calling me like every other day. A message.

[00:37:42] Yeah, she's late for school again, where's your kid? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And we were living, and she, that would make

[00:37:47] Autumn Carter: me feel anxious. 'cause it is that, that goes against like my own self worth. Not even my child. Where our kids are that age,

[00:37:54] Tara Geraghty: she had, we had transferred schools. She was living with my mother so she could change her high school.

[00:37:58] So I wasn't even there all the time. So [00:38:00] I felt like I had no control about getting this kid to school on time. It was a crazy situation. So she gets all of these, they're telling me she has so many absences, we might not let her graduate, blah, blah. I'm screaming her on the phone, Ella get to school.

[00:38:12] So I call the school and I say, look, the kid can't get herself to school on time. I'm fine if you wanna tell her she can't go to the prom, I'm fine if you tell her she can't walk at graduation because there should be some consequences to not coming to school on time.

[00:38:31] And the consequences I'm giving her don't seem to matter. So I'm happy for you to impose some stricter, harsher, more painful consequences. And the school said, oh no, we won't do that. And I was like okay then just don't ever call me again. Don't call me again. Then if you're not willing to impose any consequences for her, then don't call me and tell me that blah, blah, blah.

[00:38:52] You're, she's not at school. So I just found that very interesting because it was almost like they just didn't wanna deal with the [00:39:00] repercussions of what if we tell? And I'm like, I'm the parent. I'm telling you it's okay. And then I told my daughter that after she graduated and she was horrified.

[00:39:08] She was like, I cannot believe you even suggested. And I was like I told you had to get to school on time. And so unfortunately what this did is she goes, look, it always works out okay for me. I'm like I hope that's true for your whole life kid. But I think we see this all the time, right?

[00:39:27] We're like, oh my kid's. Not that special lady. Like my kid's not that special and so I, I saw this a lot. I will say too, in the cancer world because what would happen is with these kids and, I get it, and I've had some family members where I've had issues with this.

[00:39:47] When you have a kid who's going through something hard, whether it's medical, emotional, they're getting bullied at school, like something bad that's really unfair that the kid didn't deserve, right? They're going through a painful divorce. They something [00:40:00] that's maybe you have to do a move.

[00:40:01] That's been really hard. Sometimes kids get really crappy stuff thrown at them we feel so bad for them. And I remember when she was going through cancer and she would be having temper tantrums and mud, and I was still, disciplining her the way I would if she hadn't had cancer.

[00:40:19] And I remember at one point she was screaming in a bed screaming, And she had to do a procedure. And I said to her, and I was like, no, you have to do this. You're going to have to do this. And her little 3-year-old, 4-year-old, she's you are not my friend.

[00:40:32] And I was like, you're right. I'm not your friend. I'm your mom and you're gonna have to do this. And I remember afterwards the nurse said to me, it's so interesting. We don't see parents do that. We see the parents like, they just want the kids to like them.

[00:40:46] And she said, I was really surprised to hear you say that. And I said look, when my daughter's older, nobody's gonna care that she had cancer. Nobody's gonna give her a free pass to be a brat because she had cancer.[00:41:00]

[00:41:01] I was like, I'm not parenting a kid with cancer. I'm parenting a survivor and I care who she is after she has cancer. Not now. Like the world is not going to be kind to her and be like, oh, you poor little victim. I wish they would all be like, you get a pass in life forever because you've had hard things happen to you, but that is not how life is.

[00:41:24] And I thought from the beginning, I am parenting a kid who's gonna be a survivor. Who do I want this kid to be when she's an adult? And I will say her first year of college she went to college and she would call me and she's mom, these kids, they're all in the bathroom, they're crying, they're homesick, they can't be here.

[00:41:43] Her roommate dropped out, another kid dropped out they literally could not hack it. These kids really had the worst of the COVID. They lost some really developmental high school years and stuff.

[00:41:53] But she was just funny. She was just like, they literally cannot deal with life. [00:42:00] And, I guess the one good thing is because the kid had to go through so many horrible things, she's able to deal with life. She's got great work ethic. She and I still butt heads on a lot of stuff.

[00:42:12] I feel like. Right now I'm working on personal growth. And then I say that and I'm like, she did this and I can't believe she did this. And my partner goes to me, she is just like you. Why does this surprise you? And I'm like, don't say such mean things to me. Do you mean she's not at all like me? She's like this.

[00:42:32] And he's yeah, that's how you are. And I try to remind myself, I'm like, this kid who is so strong-willed, who is driving me so crazy, I'm losing my mind. But that's also why she survived cancer, because she's so strong-willed that even the tumor was like, peace out lady. I'm out. So I'm trying to be like, maybe that was why she survived.

[00:42:52] But I, think it's tough and I think there's really good parents and we do their best and the kids just go off track and there's nothing you can do, right? Like their schools [00:43:00] influence them, their friends influence them. Social media influences them. I think sometimes we're so quick to blame parents.

[00:43:07] But I think most parents we just try our best and then we screw up. We have things that my daughter would probably come on the podcast and tell you a hundred stories of how I screwed up and what I did wrong and how I shouldn't have handled things the way that I did.

[00:43:17] Autumn Carter: She doesn't know all the background

[00:43:18] Tara Geraghty: yeah. And, you both went through this really horrific surgery and you both had that experience, but you had two different experiences.

[00:43:28] Not her surgery. Yeah, that's true. No like your surgery this morning, the point of you having your surgery, you guys shared that experience and even though you, both had your surgery together, it really was two different.

[00:43:41] Autumn Carter: Absolutely.

[00:43:43] Tara Geraghty: So that's really hard. The one who had to see

[00:43:44] Autumn Carter: me in pain and everything else. And any day of the week, I'd rather be the one giving birth than watching my spouse give birth like my husband had to do or me going through the surgery rather than being the mom watching like my mom had to do.[00:44:00] 

[00:44:00] Tara Geraghty: And there's two, points, right? Yeah. On one hand one of the most horrific things my daughter had to do, and she'll still talk about this, was the most dramatic thing, is they, she had to do an it's called an NJ tube. So if you know what a nose tube is and normally you put the nose tube and it goes into the stomach.

[00:44:13] In her case, because she had cyclical vomiting where she would throw up every 15 minutes, they would have to pass the stomach and actually put the tube into the intestine. And you have to do it while the kid's awake. So they give them like verset, which is a drug that's supposed to erase your memory of the procedure.

[00:44:29] But it never worked on her. Like it, she, it never, my husband

[00:44:30] Autumn Carter: breaks out and hides. That's the one medicine that he's allergic to Oh, really interesting.

[00:44:33] Tara Geraghty: Yeah. So we tried it, it did not work. They have to do it awake. It is horrific. They hold the child down.

[00:44:39] They put an x-ray machine over them, they stick the tube in and they have to like really work it into urine intestine. And I would say to me, you don't need to go in there with her, because we don't want the child to associate pain with the parent. So a lot of parents wouldn't go in. I felt like I don't want my child to ever feel like I'm not there for her.

[00:44:58] So it was very important, like alone for me to go in.

[00:44:59] Autumn Carter: [00:45:00] Yeah.

[00:45:00] Tara Geraghty: So I would sit at her head and I would have to hold her shoulders down, like when you talk about them holding you down. And she would look at me and she would be like, mommy, it hurts. Make them stop. Make them stop. It was like torture. It was like watching your child be tortured.

[00:45:13] So why did they have to do this? Because she couldn't keep any food in her stomach. So they would feed her through the tube and the food would go right into her intestines. Oh, okay. So it was a feeding tube. Yeah. So rather than putting a tube into the stomach, which a lot of kids do, it fills the stomach and you eat through a feeding tube because she had what's called cyclical vomiting where she would throw up literally every 15 minutes.

[00:45:33] So she was getting like acid burns on the outside of her body from so much vomit. So they had to put the tube, bypass the stomach and put it into the intestines.

[00:45:42] Autumn Carter: And they couldn't just go

[00:45:43] Tara Geraghty: wow. No, they didn't do a G-tube, which a lot of people will do because of the risk of infection, because she had a bone marrow transplant. And so the risk of infection from a G-tube was too high. So this was like the only option. It was horrific. It was probably one of the worst things she had to do. She remembers it and she will tell you, she was like three, four years old, she'll tell you.

[00:45:59] And [00:46:00] I remember I used to sit over her. She was looking at me being like make them stop. Make them stop. And I would literally close my eyes and pray and just be like, Lord, like Jesus just help me get through this. Because it was so horrific. And so it's weird now as an adult, like I have this memory that was so traumatizing of having to hold her down and it wasn't like you did it once.

[00:46:18] So what would happen is if she would sneeze or she would cough, you would see the tubes start to come out because if it came out you had to put it back in. And so she had it done a number of times. Oh, so can she talk through it and everything? Yeah.

[00:46:29] So it into her nose, and then it came out and it hung down here, and then you'd plug it into a machine at night. They taped it to face. And I'm here thinking it's

[00:46:37] Autumn Carter: like an every day thing or a couple

[00:46:39] Tara Geraghty: Hopefully it would last a couple of weeks, but then you'd have to go in and replace it.

[00:46:42] So you would start to see it come out her nose, and that meant it disconnected from the intestine. And so it was bad. But I also have to say that she has an experience in her memories like yours, right? She has the memories of my mom holding me down, of me being forced to do this against my will.

[00:46:58] And that's a different trauma of [00:47:00] I was the one okaying and saying, yes, let's do this surgery. Yes, let's do this treatment. She didn't have a choice over her body. She had no choice about what was being done to her. And that's a, trauma on a whole other level that I cannot I, can't pretend to understand.

[00:47:15] And so I think as parents, we have to be really compassionate that our children are experiencing something that is. We think we are experiencing the same thing, but we're not. And she and I have had conversations about this as an adult of mom, you need to understand, like me not wanting to do any follow-up treatment is because you did get to choose all the treatment.

[00:47:34] You forced me to do all the follow-up treatment for all those years. I don't want to and you can't make me, and this is my body. And being okay with that and being like, you know what? It's okay that you get to now make those decisions for your body. That's my reaction. It's hard.

[00:47:47] Yeah, that would be rough. But that's, but again, that's why I drink the tequila. So your advice for her is just drink the tequila and go Yeah. I'm like, don't you drink tequila's for me?[00:48:00] 

[00:48:00] But like she would have this. Yellow tube hanging out of her nose. And so kids, of course, when you're three and four, they stare. They would go up, they would point. And so it'd be really funny to watch the parents, because you have this little bald cancer kid with a tube hanging out of her nose, right?

[00:48:13] And the kids, another kids are all like, what is that? Why is this kid bald? Why this kid have a thing in her nose? And the parents, you could see the parents being like don't, stare. And I just had the opposite approach. I was like, they're not being mean.

[00:48:25] They're just literally being curious. So I would go over and I'd uch down and I'd be like, you wanna know why she has spaghetti in her nose, don't you? Because it looked like spaghetti. And the kids would all be like, yeah. And I'd be like, she eats through her nose and they'd be like, whoa. And I'd be like, yeah, we put food in there.

[00:48:43] And then that's how she eats and she can eat in her nose. Is that like the coolest thing ever? And the kids would be like, yeah. So again, it's just all how you approach it. And then you would see the parents relieved but it was just all how you approached it. They were just curious.

[00:48:55] And I'd be like yeah, she eats in her nose. It's so cool. And [00:49:00] then I made her feel like there's nothing wrong with me. These kids aren't at me. And it was just like, yeah, it's cool. It's fun.

[00:49:07] And we did all sorts of things. When she had her tumor taken out, we did a tumor stomping party. I had a picture of the tumor blown up and we shot it with marshmallows. Every time we went to the hospital, we did a theme. She would come up with a theme, we would wear costumes. She did erase cancer one time and we did a race, we covered a t-shirt with erasers.

[00:49:27] She did put cancer to sleep one time and she went as sleeping beauty. And we dressed up like that. We did scare cancer one time and she dressed up as a witch, so we just did whatever theme she came up with. And then we did that for years, probably till she was like eight years old.

[00:49:44] And it was funny one time that the, I forgot about this. The first grade teacher called me, they were very upset. She had missed school and I had told them she had missed, 'cause she had to go at one point. It was like you went every it was every month, then it was every two months and it [00:50:00] was every three months for a, while.

[00:50:02] So she's in first grade and she had to miss school and they said we're calling you 'cause we're concerned. You told us that she missed school because she had to go to the hospital. But when Emily came back to school, she told us that she went to a party and I was like, oh no, she was in the hospital.

[00:50:18] We just have a party in the hospital. So it was funny to me that when the kids were like where did you go? She was like, oh, I went to a party with my mom. As the school's calling me, we also did, this can also help if you have a kid who has to go regularly to the hospital. We did a, travel tote.

[00:50:36] It was a travel tote, but it was a backpack on wheels. I would, pick up things from the Dollar store, five below stuff that's on sale. And I had a little bin, like a little treasure bin of, stuff. When we would go, I would take stuff and put it in her backpack, but she couldn't open the backpack till she got to the hospital, got checked in, got all hooked up to her machines, then she could open and see what her surprises [00:51:00] were.

[00:51:01] And they were things like that she could do in the hospital. So it might be a craft set, it might be a new coloring book. It could be if you have an older kid, it could be a video game. It could be like something that would entertain her while she was there. And sometimes it was stuff that I would take from home.

[00:51:14] But there was always a couple of new things in there, so it made it like. Christmas, right? I gotta get to the hospital so I can open up my presents to see what's in my, and I forget what we called it. It wasn't traveling tote, but it was something like a treasure tote or something like that.

[00:51:28] And it was the same suitcase every time. And so there was a little bit of okay if you are calm and you don't have a fit and you let us get checked in and you let us get your leads on and get your IV in and are calm, we'll get this done faster. And the faster we get this done, the faster you can see your surprises.

[00:51:49] And I think to your point Autumn, that there is a better way of doing it. If you have a calm kid, you get better medical results. [00:52:00] They've even found this in blood work, and I did not know this, that if you're really stressed out, when you give blood your results, your test results actually can come back wrong because of the way the blood comes out of the body.

[00:52:11] So at the end of the day, hospitals are businesses, they wanna make money and you can make more money. Be more effective and have better results if you have a calm child and a calm parent. So when you're talking about medical professionals as being unsympathetic to the fact that you have a woman who lost a baby, she had a miscarriage, she lost a baby.

[00:52:32] This isn't just oh, you had a miscarriage. This is, you lost a child that is traumatic to move her along, is not going to benefit the hospital in patient care, in quality of care in any of those things.

[00:52:47] Autumn Carter: I didn't go back to the ob went to another one when I got pregnant again. Why would you ever do that?

[00:52:51] Tara Geraghty: Yeah

[00:52:52] And, I think I had a miscarriage before Emily, and I think it's shocking. Nobody talks about how many women have miscarriages. And what was really [00:53:00] weird is I didn't even know I was pregnant. I had been trying to get pregnant. They told me I couldn't get pregnant.

[00:53:03] I went on a business trip. Had my period for 8, 9, 10 days. And I said to my friend, I was like, I don't know, I've had my period for nine days and she had a lot of miscarriages. So she's I knew you were having a miscarriage. I just didn't wanna tell you while we were like in Louisiana.

[00:53:17] So she said when you get home, maybe go to the doctor. And so I get home and they're like, take a pregnancy test. And it came back. Then I was pregnant and I was like, wait, what? And, they said, and then they say to me on the phone, they're like you're either miscarrying like you were pregnant and you're miscarrying, or you have twins and you're miscarrying one, why don't you come in?

[00:53:37] Autumn Carter: Why don't you come in and I'll let you know?

[00:53:39] Tara Geraghty: And then it was so weird because I didn't even know I was pregnant and it turned out I had a miscarriage. And then being devastated and then being like, how am I devastated about something I didn't even know I had it was the weirdest emotional, and what's really weird is that it's just okay, you have miscarriage.

[00:53:55] Go home. Bye.

[00:53:58] Autumn Carter: That's why we don't really talk about it [00:54:00] because of the way they treat us when we do have them,

[00:54:03] Tara Geraghty: and I had been trying so hard to get pregnant and was told that I couldn't get pregnant, so then I was like, oh my God, what if this is the only time I ever get pregnant?

[00:54:08] Like it was devastating. It makes sense that you were devastated. Yeah. And then I felt like that was weird. Like the people around me were like, yeah, but you didn't know you were pregnant. Why are you upset? And I was like I don't, know why I am upset, but I feel like I lost something, but I didn't know I had something.

[00:54:22] Autumn Carter: Somebody who gave you the space to feel your emotions, because that is part of resiliency is it's really hard to be resilient if you can't fully feel your emotions and sort through them and like really get to the deeper stuff. Yeah, because the emotions that we feel, the ones at the top are the easy ones.

[00:54:41] The ones that we're more likely to be understanding of.

[00:54:45] Tara Geraghty: Yeah.

[00:54:45] Autumn Carter: It's when we get to the root of it and what are we really feeling underneath all of that allows us that healing.

[00:54:51] Tara Geraghty: And I think that's also one of the things that, the benefit of a podcast like yours is that we don't talk about these things.

[00:54:59] When women [00:55:00] hear other women that have been through stuff even just to be able to say wow, she understands how I feel. Just that feeling of feeling seen and heard. As I talked to more women who had miscarriages and who have felt the way, I felt yes, it's a loss.

[00:55:18] Even if you didn't know, it validates your feelings, part of resilience is that you feel compassion for yourself when you're laying on the floor, when you've been knocked down and you're like, okay, I gotta figure out how to get up. That you don't judge yourself.

[00:55:34] You're not like, what's wrong with me? You're not like, why am I behaving this way? Or Why am I thinking this way? Or I shouldn't be like this? Whatever you're experiencing, whatever you're feeling, it's fine. It's what you're feeling like, your feelings are fickle. We're women. We know this.

[00:55:47] If you've ever dated the wrong guy, you certainly know feelings cannot be trusted, right? But it's okay that you feel that way. It's okay. There's nothing wrong with you. And I think we're so quick to think there's something wrong with us. And if we can accept that, then [00:56:00] it's easier to get back up.

[00:56:02] But I also think that when you build that resilience muscle and it becomes really, strong, you become unstoppable. You become powerful in a way that is frightening to other people because imagine, the choices you would make in life. Imagine the risks that you would take.

[00:56:19] Imagine the bold moves you would if you were never worried that you would fail, get knocked down and not be able to pick yourself back up. If you knew, no matter what happens, I'll be okay. I'll be able to handle it. I'll figure it out. I'll get back up. Even if I get knocked down for a little bit, like I'm not gonna stay there.

[00:56:37] You're gonna be more willing to step outta your comfort zone. You're gonna be more willing to say yes to that opportunity that scares the pants off you. You're gonna be more willing to go for that dream. That seems totally crazy and why would I even think I could do that? Because you're like, it's okay.

[00:56:49] Whatever happens, I'll be okay. So I think there's something really exciting about women who become super resilient, [00:57:00] who become really unstoppable.

[00:57:03] Autumn Carter: That where hey girl you can comes from?

[00:57:06] Tara Geraghty: Yeah. So it's interesting. Hey girl, you kinda started because I was actually on clubhouse looking for, it was, I was starting to speak at a lot of so if you know any organizations that have parents who deal with medically ill children or professionals invite me to come speak.

[00:57:12] I, I was speaking at a lot of conferences and hospitals and parents groups and the pandemic hit and everything shut down. And also at that time I was like the medical world's a little nuts right now. I need to step back from here. And also I was terrified for my daughter.

[00:57:28] I had her like a Rapunzel, like a tower. I got on a social audio app clubhouse, if anybody's heard of it, looking for parents that I thought maybe I can help these parents who have children who have medically ill children or more of a life-changing diagnosis.

[00:57:43] I have a, woman I worked with, her son had epilepsy and he had to take medication and he was struggling to take the medication. I had another one that the child had some issues with, like using the bathroom. And the doctor was like, you have to make the kids sit on the toilet for an hour.

[00:57:55] And this was traumatizing. And so we went through what could they do to change this? So those types of things. It didn't have to be [00:58:00] cancer. But those people were not on the app. It tended to be a lot of women who had businesses, and I've had a business now for 28 years. I felt a very successful business, top 1% at my company.

[00:58:12] I've trained thousands of women how to start a business. And so I just naturally started to have these conversations about business. And in business, you need resilience, right? You need to be able to bounce back. You need to be able to handle disappointment, and you need to know that you'll figure it out, that you're able to do it.

[00:58:26] So I started using a lot of the conversations, not on medical stuff, but on like mindset and growth. Mindset and confidence, and how do you build your confidence as a woman so that you can go after your goals and your dreams. And that kind of just grew. This crazy community was one of the fastest growing clubs on the app.

[00:58:44] And then I had no idea what to do with it. Everybody kept telling me I should go into high ticket coaching, which I was like, I do not wanna do that. But I didn't know what to do with it. I was like, what do I do with all these people?

[00:58:52] I have all these email addresses, I have all these people I'm connecting with. I have all these incredible women. What do I do with it? And I just sat on it honestly, for a couple years. Then a friend of mine [00:59:00] said, have you thought of doing like a very low ticket membership where you can show up, serve these women, teach them the skills that you have, teach them how to build businesses, teach them how to build resiliency, teach them how to build confidence.

[00:59:13] Give them the skills that you have that you love to talk about, but in a way that's low pressure for them, low cost for them, where they can connect with each other. And I was like, yes, that's what I wanna do. And then that's how we turned it into a membership.

[00:59:27] Autumn Carter: Nice. And then I know you've also written a book, so tell us about that

[00:59:30] Tara Geraghty: no I have an appointment. I'm, good. I wasn't quite sure. I had to just double check. So I do have a book and actually grab it. It's called making Cancer Fun, A Parents' Guide, and that is my daughter when she was with her pink hair.

[00:59:43] And that was her when she was bald. And that was one of her, I think this was right before she went and had a bone marrow transplant done. Wow. We did a, party in the BMT and we used Miley Cyrus's party in the USA as our theme song, and we sang party in the BMT. And so [01:00:00] it, I will say it's obviously geared towards people of cancer.

[01:00:02] So if you are connected to an organization or a nonprofit or an organization that gives resources to parents it's a great book from that, it is a workbook style book. So it teaches them this is what we did and how can you apply this to your child and their situation. Hopefully it hits both the how to support your child, but also how to support yourself as a parent to the emotional component of that and how do you take care of yourself while you're trying to take care of your child.

[01:00:25] But it could also be relevant to any parent who has a life-changing diagnosis for their kids. Kids who have to go to regular medical hospital visits, kids who might have to have a surgery kids who are just terrified of a doctor. Every kid unfortunately has to go to a doctor, whether it's they're getting a vaccine or a checkup or an x-ray or whatnot.

[01:00:43] And so just having some tools to make that a little less traumatic for your child. And also that if you have a kid who has medical needs, and it could be something like ADHD and you're dealing with a child who's got a lot of hyperactivity. That's exhausting as a parent, like taking care of yourself as a parent,

[01:00:58] because [01:01:00] number one, you're a mirror for your children. Your kids are looking to you to see how to show up in the world. And you cannot pour water out of an empty watering can. If your watering can is empty, you've got nothing left to flower, like to give water and life to the little lives around you that need you.

[01:01:19] Autumn Carter: Thank you. This has been amazing. And actually I have an appointment later today for my child to get an official A DHD diagnosis. He has some other stuff, but his emotions get so big out of nowhere. Sometimes outta nowhere, sometimes outta somewhere.

[01:01:35] But it takes so much work for the rest of the family to help regulate him. Yeah. And it disregulates us while regulating him and it's affecting the other kids. It's not fair. He is turning six next weekend.

[01:01:49] I became a parenting coach because of him. And you were absolutely talking about the right things with taking care of your own wellness so that you can better take care of your [01:02:00] children. My husband has a much deeper well than me. I'm pretty sure it's because of the trauma in my childhood.

[01:02:05] Tara Geraghty: Yes,

[01:02:06] Autumn Carter: there's times where if he sees that, I've been like, he comes home from work and he sees that I've been deep in it. He is still wearing his work clothes. Thankfully he's a manager in an office like it's normal clothes. But he will barely sit down his lunch stuff on the counter and just come and like you run away.

[01:02:27] I will take him weighted blanket, like the whole thing and I'll just escape and try and put myself back together for the other kids and then go. Yeah. And take care of the other kids while my husband just has him.

[01:02:41] Tara Geraghty: Yeah, that's exhausting. Particularly when you've seen and because normally I would say my first thing would be like, okay, change all the diet, change all the stuff, but I already know you're in the wellness industry.

[01:02:48] So I'm like, if you've already done that's gotta feel like I'm hitting a wall. I've done all of the things that should help. What do I do at this point?

[01:02:53] Autumn Carter: Yep. Which is why I'm going to the pediatrician, like, all right, we need to get this under control. It's summertime [01:03:00] now. So if we're doing medication, let's start it now so that we can dial it really well in by the time school starts.

[01:03:07] Tara Geraghty: Yeah. So I will say and I'm so. sorry that you're going through this because it's not just a child, it's an entire, I think you're right. It's the entire family. It disrupts the regulation of the family. And I think that when you have a mom who is already so hands-on, so connected into wellness, it's almost like an invisible illness, right?

[01:03:24] Like why is my kid behaving this way? And then we start to doubt what's wrong with me? What did I do that made him this oh yes, what am I like this? And the best advice I ever got was before my daughter was born, there was another mom at my church and she said, you have to remember forever, you are the best mom for your child because God chose you to be this child's mom.

[01:03:51] And I think we're really quick to think what does this person think? And this person's giving me advice and this person is this. But at the end of the day, your [01:04:00] 6-year-old, there is no better mom for him because if there was, he wouldn't have been given to you. And so when you beat yourself up of what am I doing?

[01:04:10] You just need to have grace that like, no, I am the one that God chose for this kid. And so it may not be perfect and I may be figuring it out, but it's gonna be better than anybody else would've been for him. And I say this to my daughter now and she's mom, blah, blah. I'm like, Hey, take it up with God.

[01:04:25] He chose me to be your mom. Love it. If you don't love how I am not my problem. You need to go upstairs and talk to him. And like she said one day she's I didn't choose you to be your mom. And I was like, dude, I didn't choose you. You're just, what popped out? I didn't know what was coming.

[01:04:31] I love it. I'm like God thought we were the best together, so we're stuck with each other. 'cause I'm the best mom for you and you're the best daughter for me. Otherwise we would've gotten other people. But I think that I just wanna encourage you to have grace with yourself.

[01:04:49] That is a tough situation. And sometimes it's our child's road to walk and it's a hard road for them to walk and we don't want them to have to walk it, but sometimes it's a, road that [01:05:00] they're meant to walk for their life and like where that's gonna lead them. And I think it's smart that if you're like, okay medication and everything.

[01:05:07] As far as the dreading the summer, I would just encourage you I think in a situation like that, having a daily gratitude practice, 'cause that's really what got me through that season and change my life is just it's like you almost have to rewire your brain to look for, okay, what can I be grateful for when I'm ready to kill everybody?

[01:05:28] Do you know what I mean? And that's work. That is not a natural easy. 80% of our thoughts naturally are negative. So we're naturally wired to go to the negative stuff. It's like you have to work against that, which is ridiculous.

[01:05:42] Like, why are we wired that way? But we are. And so probably for survival,

[01:05:47] Autumn Carter: I don't know.

[01:05:47] Tara Geraghty: Maybe it was like to always be looking out. I don't know. Or maybe it's how we've evolved. Maybe we weren't like that initially and that we've evolved that way. I don't know. But we are naturally wired to look for, [01:06:00] to think negative stuff about ourselves, about what's gonna happen, mostly about ourselves if we're women.

[01:06:06] But I think it's work to have to change that your son is lucky that you are willing to like, go down avenues and say, okay, I haven't figured this out. Let's see what other options are. Let's try other things. Because some parents would, not be willing to do that or they'd be like, all right, I'm not even willing to look at medication and that might be the right answer for your son,

[01:06:28] Autumn Carter: Oh, and I've done the therapy. I've done parenting groups, tons of parenting books. Became a parenting coach. He's done therapies. Yeah. So I will say, glu, are you guys

[01:06:41] Tara Geraghty: gluten free?

[01:06:42] Autumn Carter: No, we do a lot of smoothies. We've done less gluten. Yeah, I only say lots of fruits and veggies in our house.

[01:06:48] Tara Geraghty: Daughter was diagnosed with sensory integration issues when she was four and they said this was a result of the trauma of her treatment.

[01:06:56] She was, I'll also say, I think it was a lot of the trauma that she had with her, what was going on with [01:07:00] her dad. She would lose her mind. It was horrible. I couldn't take her out in public. I, remember one year at Thanksgiving, she had a, meltdown. I had to take her outta the house, put her in the car.

[01:07:11] I drove her around for two hours. She screamed, until I pulled over to the side of the road and just started crying in the car. She had absolutely lost her mind. I couldn't take her anywhere. She was insane. And they kept saying to me, oh, she has sensory integration. Sensory integration. They had me in occupational therapy.

[01:07:25] They had me in this, they had me in that. I went and it was right around the time she got diagnosed with this very rare autoimmune disease. And because they didn't have any kids who had cancer and with autoimmune disease, nobody knew what to do. So I actually went to take her to a homeopath. I was like, lemme see what other options are.

[01:07:46] Before we just put more drugs in her. 'cause they didn't really know what to do. And so one of the things that he did was he had me do like a detox on her, like a homeopathic detox. But then he also made me change her diet to gluten free. At that point, I was desperate because I was worried about the [01:08:00] autoimmune disease, and there was a lot of research that says, not for children, but there was enough research that said autoimmune diseases do really well on gluten-free diets.

[01:08:08] So I changed her diet for the autoimmune. So I'll be really clear. It wasn't because of the sensory issues, but within six weeks, her entire personality changed to the point that it was Christmas time. We had all of these people over, she disappears. So at Thanksgiving, I have her locked in a car screaming and me having a meltdown on the side of the road.

[01:08:21] Like literally I was sobbing because the kids screamed for two hours straight and then Christmas time rolls around. She disappears for a little while. We're like, where the heck did she go? She comes downstairs and she's I just was having too much Christmas. I needed to give myself a break.

[01:08:29] That's a big deal. Who is this child? It was literally like her brain changed, but we went. Cold Turkey, hardcore gluten-free on a level that was like, and this was back a lot. This was like, I don't know, 14 years ago before there wasn't even gluten-free stuff. Like it was hard to find gluten-free things, right?

[01:08:50] Where now I feel like I'm now gluten-free and it's really easy because now you can find gluten-free everywhere. But at the time it was really hard. And I am not a medical doctor and I'm not telling anybody [01:09:00] that is the answer to it. I am just telling you my personal experience, that she never had sensory integration problems again after she went gluten-free.

[01:09:07] Autumn Carter: Sounds like listen to your gut, trust your body.

[01:09:11] Tara Geraghty: Yeah. And it was hard. And I will say now when she does eat gluten, 'cause now she's 19 and eats whatever she wants. 'cause now I can't be in charge of her anymore. And she'll say to me after a week or two, she'll be like, yeah, I feel like I need to stop eating gluten for a little bit.

[01:09:23] I don't feel. Like her brain doesn't quite feel right, but it's

[01:09:26] Autumn Carter: better that she's understanding that now. 'cause there's still some safety net of mom compared to in her forties, fifties, whatever. Just now figuring it out. Yes, we still have time to fix some of these things.

[01:09:38] But it's so much easier when you're younger. So she has a lot

[01:09:41] Tara Geraghty: of food issues.

[01:09:41] Autumn Carter: Yeah.

[01:09:41] Tara Geraghty: We deal with that just from having had a feeding tube for so long and not eating and it's called, that's not an eating disorder, but it's disordered eating. Are just like the textures. It's one of the things that we have to deal with from having a lot of food issues and I know.

[01:09:54] Makes sense. So good luck at your appointment. You'll have to let me know how it goes. Yeah, for sure. That you're that, that you get some good [01:10:00] answers and that you don't dreaded summer. Yeah. But this is gonna be a beautiful season. You only get 18 summers with your kids, so whatever it looks like is gonna be better than the 18 when you don't have them.

[01:10:10] Autumn Carter: True. That's true. And I've already figured out like which day we're going to the pool, which day we're doing like our day trips, which day we're going to the library and I am having my coaching calls be a lot less. And in the afternoon it'd be great. Because then they're gonna be at an age where

[01:10:25] Tara Geraghty: now they don't want, she wanna hang out with me.

[01:10:28] Yeah. She's I'm living my own life. I'm 19. I go do my own thing. I'm like, I'm your life. I'm your bestie. When did this change? So I am jealous. I would take your summer with even having to deal with the emotional aperts. Then a summer where she's off living her own life and. Now she's a grownup.

[01:10:45] So I will trade, spots with you day. Can I have

[01:10:45] Autumn Carter: a mix of those? Choose what I want.

[01:10:47] Tara Geraghty: I know. Wonder day, right? But then again, I also maybe shouldn't tell people I get through life with my tequila medication. So thank you so much for all of this. No judgment. Thank you. I'm so glad to talk to you and please [01:11:00] literally reach out to me if you need other ideas or if they have stuff or tell me how it goes at the dentist.

[01:11:05] I am really gonna be curious. So yeah, lemme know. Thank

[01:11:06] Autumn Carter: you. If you want any of the links to her website to learn more about, oh yeah. So I should tell you this, they'll be the description.

[01:11:14] Tara Geraghty: If you go to my website right at the top, there's a resiliency challenge. It's five days. I will show up in your email for five days.

[01:11:22] There'll be a short audio. I'm gonna teach you one tool that will build your resilience. So at the end of the five days, you're gonna have five tools in your toolbox. So when life starts to happen, maybe one of them you'll be able to pull out and use. So if you go to the website, it's literally right at the top.

[01:11:36] It'll say Resiliency challenge, it's free. But I'll hang out with you for five days and teach you the five best things.

[01:11:43] Autumn Carter: And

[01:11:43] Tara Geraghty: tell us the website

[01:11:44] Autumn Carter: really quick

[01:11:45] Tara Geraghty: yeah, Tara G. Online. So my name, Tara g Online and you'll see it right at the top.

[01:11:51] Autumn Carter: Perfect. Thank you so much for this.

[01:11:53] And please share this with other people. We know how hard it can be to bounce back from different things and [01:12:00] how much. Heartbreak we can have once we've overcome something and we realize how long we've been stuck share this episode with other people to help get them unstuck, to help them rebuild their resiliency muscles, and really remember that we are beautiful creatures that are able to evolve and overcome.

[01:12:20] So thank you so much. Bye guys.

[01:12:24] Thanks for tuning into this week's episode. I am your host, autumn Carter, a certified life coach dedicated to empowering individuals to rediscover their identity, find balance, miss chaos, strengthen relationships, and pursue their dreams. My goal is to help people thrive in every aspect of their lives. I hope today's discussion inspired you and offered valuable insights.

[01:12:47] Stay engaged with our wellness community by signing up for my newsletter at wellness and every season.com/free resources. When you join, you'll have the option to receive a five day guide called Awaken and [01:13:00] Unwind, five Days to Mastering Your Mornings and Evenings, along with Free Guides, special offers on my programs, practical tips, personal stories.

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[01:13:29] So please spread the word about our podcast and about our newsletter. Thank you for being a part of our podcast community. I look forward to continuing our conversation, sharing stories and exploring wellness in all of this aspects. Take care until our next episode. You can also work with me one-on-one or on demand through one of my programs by visiting wellness in every season.com/programs.

[01:13:56] One last thing to cover the show legally, I'm a certified [01:14:00] life coach giving general advice, so think of this, this more as a self-help book. This podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes only. I am not a licensed therapist, so this podcast shouldn't be taken as a replacement for professional guidance from a doctor or therapist.

[01:14:17] If you want personal one-on-one coaching from a certified life and parenting coach, go to my website, wellness and every season.com. That's where you can get personalized coaching from me for you. See you in next week's episode.