Healing From Childhood Neglect

we are talking about healing from childhood neglect. So heavy topic.

Big topic.

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Today I have with me Severin Ling, and he's done a lot. And if you are watching video, if you check out his hair, you can tell he's a hairstylist.

Yeah. It looks awesome. Thank you. He's a director, a coach, hairstylist, artist, and you wrote sober. What's the sober part?

I've been clean and sober for working on 13 years.

That's a big deal.

And out of my life, that's the biggest accomplishment that anybody could take.

I agree. When, I don't even remember which class, I think it was, my drugs abuse and abuse class.

I learned that one in three people are addicts, and it has to do with mental health.

Yep.

It's because they need that crutch. And it makes sense with what we're going to be talking about with childhood neglect. You said that you grew up with a father who's schizophrenic. There's a lot of heavy stuff here, so it makes sense that you needed that crutch.

Self-medicated, yeah.

I didn't start drinking until much later in life, like, consistently drinking . The monkey mind always wanted and the body wanted the alcohol to escape, to soothe something.

That could be once a week, it could be twice a week, but your mind is always fixated on that drink or the drug of choice. And that's alcoholically thinking.

 in a family unit, from what I understand, there's generally one main caregiver, as in the daily routines with the child, and then you have support from the other, or it's just a single parent type thing.

And my father was the main caregiver, as in, after school, always home to take care of me and my brother, and, always the reliable one, as in kids need to be picked up and drop off type of thing, 'cause my mom worked. was a workaholic, so she worked and went to school all the time, so she was always gone.

I didn't know what my father had schizophrenia until much later in life so I thought this was a normal childhood, but realizing by far it's not. Let me address the issue, that my father had was he was schizophrenic. He's no longer living. He passed away in 2018. He had the paranoia situation, and it was manageable.

He can live within society with medication his paranoia made the problem. His mother was undiagnosed schizophrenic, and also Alzheimer's at a young age. But the schizophrenia part was undiagnosed, but she was showing a lot of symptoms as a younger age as well.

My dad was the main child who always was with his mom. So his paranoia is thinking that he got schizophrenia from his mom, which genetically is not far from the truth, you know, genetically. But he thought he was transmitted like a virus from his mom, and he didn't want to do that to his kids.

So he decided not to talk to us, not to have interactions with us. He would have presence within the room, but not say, "Son, sons, don't do that. You need to do this."

I would hear what he wanted to tell us a day later through my mom, the morning after. It's like, "Oh, your dad says this. Oh, your dad says that. " And every boy needs to have a man in their life to have bumpers to bump against, to learn from. That's just the nature of the beast. My father was not present for that. The only time that me and my brother would hear him speak is through a closed door talking to my mom late at night or at the pulpit.

My dad was a pastor. So when he was speaking in front of the church, you would hear him speak in theology ideas and Bible verses galore, and we were dumbfounded. But I didn't know mentally what was wrong with him until-

 had a meltdown, a schizophrenic break when I was about five. And that's when I knew something was wrong, 'cause he was hospitalized for a couple months, and then we were kicked out of the small town. After that we moved, that's when more of the severe neglect happened . So when I was, before five, there was some interactions. Not a lot, but enough to maintain a so-called healthy childhood idea of a father.

And my dad was heavily medicated, didn't show emotion, didn't, like, structurally, anything.

And, How I learn, I'm dyslexic, severely dyslexic, so I watch people. I watch and I listen. Reading is horrible with me, but with that type of young mind, you, with that, disability, you need to be groomed differently than a normal child.

My brother was fine. He was older, and he had friends to learn from. He was getting some type of mentorship through friends and teachers. But I was stuck alone. Circumstances of my dyslexia isolating me more. My dad was a good guy, a good man, is what I heard from when he passed away.

I learned a lot more about my father after he died than I experienced. 'Cause what I experienced of my father was just stone cold, not addressing his kids. Not communicating or talking. Not even saying, "I love you." Like the only time I heard him would say out .

When we moved into a house, our rooms were down the hall just kitty-corner from each other, so we left the doors open. And we would do a call-out. It's like, "I love you, Mom. I love you, Dad. I love you, Mike." And that was like the only time I would hear those words nonchalantly type of thing as a response and all that.

 I'm 47 years old, and these memories of neglect are just now I'm coming to terms with

Because of my sobriety. So, like, it's a blessing and also a curse . So when my brother passed away of an asthma attack in 1990, I was looking for help. I was confused and trying to figure out what's going on, and there was no feedback from my father from that death.

I was 11, and still pliable, I still influenced by other people strongly, like every kid is at that age. And,

It's interesting about trauma and neglect and things that we experience that women naturally, when they give birth, they totally forget the pain. That's a beautiful thing. Trauma has the same thing for anyone.

It's a safety mechanism for safety, so your mind will just forget. Your body won't. Your mind will choose to lock it away and put it away for later problems so I was Already a quiet kid, and watching my father through that trauma, he didn't really show much emotion.

My mother, she's the vocal person of the family. And, every time I would have a remembrance of my brother, she would have a complete meltdown and my dad would just walk away. So I, I assume he was having a meltdown

There was no assistance, no therapy, no nothing. No "It's gonna be okay," my mom made an effort. We would go for breakfast in, early in the morning before she had to go to work, before I'd get dropped off at school.

What I want to address, like my normal is not normal. And, I know a lot of people have gone through a lot worse than neglect .But my response is you got a physical response, positive or negative. You got a response of some type of emotion. So you have a basis of what emotion is And what I learned, my basis is no emotion And It's coming full circle of relationship building problems and, mental health issues.

Not schizophrenia, but like drinking too much.

But, through my teenage years I was in need of some type of male, guidance, so I joined the Boy Scouts of America. That was kind of like a staple thing back where I was from.

At a young age, you go to Cub Scouts and you go Boy Scouts afterwards if you're not into heavily in sports and all that. So I learned about life through Boy Scouts, but there's also Another problem that happened psychologically that -- there was a predator in the midst through the Boy Scouts. .

So I was abused , after my brother passed away, so one trauma built on top of another. And, I just completely shut down, emotionally. But I still had some of my buddies remind me, like, I helped them renew their vision of spirituality, of their faith at like, 18, 19 years old, to go to college and all that stuff.

I was like one of their friends that helped them to understand what faith and religion is. So I was still with it, but that was because of, my life was just church and school and survival.

I kinda latched onto spirituality understanding, but it didn't solve any of my mental and physical issues. It just allowed me to, try to connect with people, but I still have that problem connecting.

And my father wasn't abusive,

but neglect is an abuse.

Everyone thinks, yes, physical abuse. He wasn't physical abuse. And we're so programmed to think abuse is just physical. It's, like verbal. It

I moved to LA. I took a career health-wise.

 you, heard of the body has memory?

The body keeps the score?

Yeah, that one.

Yeah.

Yeah. Welcome to my dyslexic talking.

If you understand that theory that the body keeps score, keeps memory, and understand psychology and then understand what an autoimmune disease is.

Do you wanna give us some CliffsNotes?

Autoimmune disease is the body attacking itself. Could be anything within the body. You're inflamed, like random areas, but the body attacks itself.

Autoimmune disease it's an unknown cause. There's no evidence of how it gets started, but if you talk to psychologists and the mental health people, they're like, "Hey, these X, Y, and Z people have all autoimmune disease. They have trauma in their life. They have inflammation issues, or they have this type of disease and they have this, this and this."

So the body keeps score, even though if you don't remember it or if you are triggered somehow, that's your body subconsciously reacting to something that you don't know.

Your, "Oh, I need to heal something."

That's like, "Why am I acting like this?"

Yeah. "

Oh, there's something there. So then you have to dig. But the bottom of the barrel for me, I got diagnosed with autoimmune disease when I was early 20s.

 That right there tells you how bad things were- Correct

if you were diagnosed that young.

That young, and every doctor I talked to were like, "This is a woman's disease." Now I'm thinking you mean women have more trauma than men? That's kind of screwed up.

Hold it in differently. That's what it is.

You hold it in way differently than men. That I do agree.

You only really had a female in your life.

Yeah. So there's weird connections that are, like, happening at a young age, and I'm like, "Okay." My doctor's like, "Move out of Iowa. Whatever you do, move out of Iowa, go somewhere warm, and then this will be manageable," which is true.

So it's interesting that he told you that, not realizing that you needed to get away anyway.

He's like, "I can't tell you how to live your life," 'cause he was a smoker. I was a smoker at that time. I can tell you where, so get out of here." He was a very nice guy. He helped me the most to figure out this autoimmune disease. So I took that to heart.

Hairstyling was my ticket out because I don't learn like everyone else does with the normal educational system, and I'm very artistic, and I don't wanna wear a suit, to work or a computer or random people. So I wanted artistic freedom and creativity and so I got into hair at a random circumstances, and my first job was in Las Vegas.

When I moved to Las Vegas, my drinking increased because, I was trying to socialize, and then, the depression set in, and isolation set in. But I was still going to work, reliable there, but I was having trigger points everywhere, like guys would try to become friends, just general dudes just wanna be friends.

But I will hold, I like ignore them. I make more female friends than guy friends.

Safer.

It's safer, right?

And I know how to control myself, so like- Anyway, the fall, the down of the down when I got sober was 2013, and at that time I was becoming homeless. I got kicked out of my apartment 'cause I couldn't pay anymore, and I was drinking like a ramp- rampage.

And, everything I tried, self-help books to writing positivity, journaling, which I don't journal because my handwriting is crap. Talking to someone really didn't help. And, all this time flashes of my father came back in my life, isolating me, because ... I was getting so drunk that I was having flashbacks

I drank to feel, and then when I was feeling, then I drank to numb it out. So it was this ongoing problem. So anything I was trying to do in life, it kept on faltering. I went on to 10-day retreat, no speaking retreat, meditation retreat. Awesome did help. I still drank. I was still feeling the, the worse. Then a friend of mine asked me to go to a seminar, and the seminar was talking about becoming your own leader, things like that.

I just finally committed to myself, like, "I'm tired of pissing in the wind." 'Cause everything you do that you throw out there within the wind just splatters back right at you. So all this effort you're trying to change your life, and it just still crumbles. Something's wrong, and it's you. It's not the exterior.

Every effort that I made was just going nowhere. I was going nowhere, so I had to change it. I didn't know how, but... So I explained that in the seminar. I got sponsored in the seminar, so that was cool. But that seminar program, the training, leadership training, broke the ice for me to admit that I'm an alcoholic.

I was grieving so much and suppressing so much emotion from this neglectful father that when he was on his deathbed, he still couldn't talk to me at all. I was trying to ask questions like, "You're dying, dude. I need to know. Why did you ignore me?" And he would just go into some scripture which is not nonsense, but that was his safety mode.

It's like, what did I deserve to receive this ? That's the child within me, but the adult's like, "That's the best that you could do." And I have to constantly look for the little things that he, he tried to do.

Every concert I had, he was there. Every Boy Scout thing, he was there. He was present but wasn't present.

It's like I, every type of relationship I get into, I need to be like, "Hey, look, this is what you're going to get into. Just to let you know I don't express my emotions very well, and receiving emotions is I can take your emotions on head on. I'm fine with it.

But if you're having trouble reading me- Just ask me, don't assume, because you will not able to read me whatsoever. And, so it's like a interview process once I get into a relationship.

healing is a journey, it's not you're going to be healed, period. Which I know when I first started therapy and was just desperate to actually sleep and not have the night terrors happening, that I was just realizing I'm not going to be healed and done.

And it's like, are you serious? Because I did not ask for this stuff. This was done to me as a child. W- why is this fair? Yeah. And going through that whole cycle, and I'm sure that's where your mind went a lot of the time when you were going through.

COVID allowed me, man, everyone was locked down, everyone's going crazy, and I was getting clients texting me, like, "Do my hair," blah, blah, blah. I'm like, "No, go away. I'm happy. Leave me alone." I can isolate. Woo-hoo.

I'd done so much recovery work trying to understand more about me, that it kind of broke me more in a way. It chipped off some layers and opened up the onion more, but I was unable to go for long walks or become more social, because the underlying emotion that I was experiencing was I'm unworthy.

And that is still at my root core now that I am unworthy And like my mother, she's awesome, she's very strong-willed but has that mother remorse idea, not idea, but... She's like, "You know we raised you right, right?" And in my head I'm like, "No, you didn't." And she caught me on a bad day. Ugh, and I just I called her out. I called everything out. She's like, you know we did da, da, da," I'm like, "No." I'm more fucked up now than I was then

The reason why is because you've been able to see more? See how bad it was? Like, why do you feel like you're more messed up now than you were then?

 As you mature and learn life experiences, you'll get perspective. But once you become awakened, when I say awakened, I mean you're able to look at yourself when you're having a tissy fit or an outbreak, and you're looking at yourself from up here, from away.

You're zooming out of the situation, and you're looking at yourself. If you can do that, that means you're becoming more awakened. And if you're unable, you have a lot of work to do. But I say more messed up now because I see the programming I was in, or have been in, and I'm unable to change it.

In relationships it causes more problems, But as I'm arguing, I know it's because of childhood issues. You know, some people get in arguments not knowing that they had childhood issues, and bless them. Hopefully they can find a better way.

Once you become more aware and you're unable to change things it becomes a battle with, between yourself and your ego, and it's frustrating. And sometimes you get short-tempered with people, and it has nothing to do with them.

You can't run away from yourself.

No. Wherever you go, there you're at type of thing. And- Yep ... yeah, if you're, like, look, like every family is different. Every childhood is different. I get that But as a child You might have the same physical PTSD response as someone that was physically abused or someone that was neglected or was raised by or- in like orphanage.

How you connect through trauma, through experiences can be totally different, but your reactions are the same. Could be you just, , you saw someone getting murdered and that'll traumatize you, but I still might have body reactions.

It gives me the same response as this other person. So the body holds trauma almost the same, but the event is different . And like, there's no competition, right? Your body has a trauma response to something.

My body does, too.

The solution is to start admitting that I might have a problem. And if you can admit that, then the next step is like, where do I find help? How do I find help? Who do I talk to? You know, what is safe, what is not? That is really hard to find, someone safe to just unload, even whether you pay them, like a shrink or something, or you find like a group of people who got through the same experience or listening to a podcast or interviews, things like this.

But- There's... talk therapy to a like-minded person. . That's why I latched onto AA so much, 'cause no matter how much I've gone through and been dealing with, I know someone who's been dealing with worse and who got recovery and is doing awesome, and has coping mechanisms to work with all this crap. So I have someone to go to.

So is it one of those, "If they can do it, I can do it"?

Yeah. I can actually talk to someone here, that's why it's so important to find like-minded people,

Coming to terms with the fact that I was neglected or how private my parents were, 'cause one of my uncles didn't know how severe it was. That was like a wake-up call. I'm like, "Wow- Okay, so it's worse than I thought.

The unworthiness is still present, and I didn't put two, two together until, a, aha moment or a wake-up call, which was, what is neglect?

Or actually, what is abuse? And then neglect follows underneath that. And what does child neglect do to someone in the long term? And that was, "Oh, I have that, but that's normal." It's not, and I guess what's bothering me the most is, like

The wanting to connect with people but not able to

Makes sense

i'm talking to a therapist now, first time in my life. So I finally understood, what I need to do type of thing. Like, it's clicking. Like I'm trying to understand why I'm going through all this stuff, is that, a friend of mine, she's a alternative, healing .

And, she's like, your throat problems," 'cause I'm having thyroid issues, and also my throat is, my voice, vocal is hoarse. So always, I always sound nasally. And, she's like, "Everything you've done medically is not gonna solve the problem.

The problem is, is your past, and you're not talking about it." So I decided I need to find a way to communicate better and spread the word.

Neglect is the foundation , next to my dyslexia, of my childhood. And those two things have shaped me strongly. I would like to change some things, but I still wanna be the person I am now.

What I've noticed, and I'm sure it's for you and for all those that are listening, is we've had to grow up faster than we were meant to.

100%.

But we are still immature in areas because we did not have that support. And one area that you mentioned in particular is a strong one for me, and I actually have a poster up here that you can't really see, but it's actually for me to look at, and it's the, feelings wheel.

Because I have a hard time being able to accurately say, "This is what I'm actually feeling," not whatever I'm band-aiding over it that I was allowed to feel as a child. It's like, what is deeper than that? And I've matured a lot in, being able to actually name my emotions and feel the correct emotion, not the one that I'm trying to turn it into that I'm used to feeling and was allowed to feel.

Yeah.

Another one is just being comfortable with myself in silence has been a big thing. And I hope that other people will recognize that maybe in other people- and give them grace, and most of all with themselves. This goes back to you talking about worth.

One thing that has been huge for me over the past couple years that I've really worked on with myself is, I know you won't relate to this as well because I have children, and there's so much of it is there is no way in hell I would treat my children that way. And realizing that has helped me with my own worth of "Oh, no, that was not okay."

I have one girl, and she is a complete mini-me. So it's really interesting to see, oh, that's what I would be like without all that trauma and abuse. And I would never do that to her. So how dare you do that to childhood me?

Yeah.

Or for you, it's looking at the child version of yourself as an adult, and picturing holding your child self when you need that like, "I'm here for you," kind of that mentor.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm ...

this was not okay. And I see that, and there is no way that you deserve any of this, because no child deserves any type of abuse.

Exactly.

Criticism, they don't deserve that. No one thrives in that. Why do you think we are in such a society where we are pushing therapy? It's because we need it. How many adults do you see like elderly adults, that are saying, "Well, I survived." Good for you, but did you thrive?

"

No, I survived this," or, I've lived this long with this problem. Why would I change it now?" Don't you wanna thrive?

Yeah.

Life is so much better on the other side And for anybody who is starting to say those things.

 what was the catalyst to you going to therapy? You've already done AA.

so a therapist, ultimately their idea is that if you get the right therapist, is that they are just a listening ear, and they question, and they let you talk. Create a welcoming environment. But what got me into it is, I'm going through a lot right now, like a lot, and I- I want to drink, but I don't wanna drink.

Like, that's my, my ego, so I like, yeah, take that. I used to drink a gallon of vodka every 36 hours.

Your poor body.

I, and I'm physically allergic to alcohol, fermentation. What irony. Anyway, I'm, I was stuck. I am stuck, and I'm going through so much stress, and I only talk to my partner.

She's like, "You know, just talk to me." I'm like No. I, yes, I will talk to you, but I won't talk to you, because there's no answers, and you already know my problems. You live it with me every single day. So i- if you're having problems in your life, you're stuck and you're stagnant, even stagnant where things are just going just normal, but you have that little voice going like, "More," but you just can't move past on, you can't move forward, you're always, like, stuck or frozen You know, a therapist or talking to a group, will guide you to start unlocking

 I don't wanna push medication because they don't help me. It will regulate you, sure. It doesn't for me, but if you're one of the ones that respond to it, yeah, it helps.

If you're just exhausted of your life and you're not thrilled for anything, you definitely need to talk to someone.

If you're drinking too much or gambling too much or sex too much or, like, anything that's like an addictive personality, there's programs out there. There's support out there for any issues that we are experiencing.

You just have to be willing. And if, if you're anthony Hopkins, he's in recovery out here in LA and wherever he's at. But I've been to a couple of his, meetings that he was at

And there's it's called the fuck it prayer

Where you are so desperate to change, you don't know how to do it, you submit. You say, "Fuck it." The willingness to... You just have to accept everything and just be humble, and to accept that you're powerless over the situation

I'm done fighting, trying to change when there's no change in mind. Whatever I'm doing, it's not working. So I take the leap of trying to do therapy.

If you're someone that has been through, if you had trauma, like a lot of us, but your body says, "Screw you, you're gonna have autoimmune disease."

There's new stuff out there, so there's days where I couldn't really get out of bed because of my autoimmune flare-ups. I'm just tired of being stuck. All the support in the world is not enough sometimes. You have to do it They can't do it for you

And it seems so unfair

And it's... Yeah. Yeah.

Worth it.

It's worth it. But here gets me in trouble. Like Thanks universe, thanks God. I'm going through this experience because one day I'm gonna touch someone's life that'll change them dramatically, and they're gonna change millions of people

That's my motivation too

Me speaking out about this, me writing a play about this, these things I'm trying to do to set me up to spread the word, it's like I know I'm gonna touch someone In my weird thinking and formatting of things and, and how I present it.

And, I just have to hold onto that idea and not get stuck. In therapy, I have never done it.

So if you're, feel like you're pissing in the wind, meaning everything that you're trying to do to change your life Or change something within your life and you didn't have a really good childhood, it's time to do some self-reflection.

I love the cringe with it. 'Cause part of it is cringe, right?

It is cringe. It's crusty. It's so crusty at times.

But you're right, it does take away the jagged edges.

Correct.

But the thing is, when I started therapy, I noticed that my body would be like, "Oh, we're ready to like, here's all this other stuff." I went to therapy for one thing, and my body was like, "Uh-uh, we're doing a whole bunch more."

And for anybody who's stuck in therapy, where you kind of start plateauing, I added on somatics. I started working with a somatics coach, and it up-leveled it so much. I didn't need to go through all the deep stuff. It was going through the body sensations instead of all the trauma again.

Oh, there you go.

Where therapy was... re-traumatizing me ...

yeah, it's just re-triggering. This is why I don't like it.

Yeah.

But I love EMDR, where I had the reprocessing with it. Anybody- who needs therapy, talk therapy- EMDR.

Speaking of that, EMDR can be done in the office, or there's an online service for it.

I have an app now.

When I found out EMDR, a buddy of mine asked me to support him in an AA meeting. He was gonna speak, and generally what that means, that's like, he's gonna call you out type of thing. And he did. I knew he was gonna ask me to read I, I don't read out loud very well.

I mean, I'm, I'm decent and I'll toot my horn a little bit. I'm not that bad. But it took me forever to get there. But anyway, it's not the reading, it is the, what my body experiences just to start and to get through it.

So if you don't know what EMDR is, it's a, a cycle of light patterns and noises and thought process. Couple questions before, you go through and then you do another couple questions,

so I took the experience, thought of the experience through the first session, then wrote about it, then wrote about the positives, emotions, and ideas at different events, and then I thought about those feelings at, right after. So you go, there's two steps. Actually four. Write, EMDR, write, EMDR.

And I went to the meeting, asked me to read. Ran right through it. No sweats, no nervousness, no angst, no nothing. And afterwards, and I was like, "Wow, game changer." Game changer. If you have a trauma, that thing will work. You have to believe in it.

You have to get in this like really good zone, 'cause if you try too hard and you're just like, "Here, take it," it doesn't quite work. It's like this spot where you have to trust yourself.

For it to work.

And someone asked me what is it like afterwards.

It is exhausting. 'Cause my event that I was going through was very traumatic for any, first grader. So now thinking of that event, I'm able to be out here behind it and looking down on it, and not having a reaction.

Just like, "Oh, that's happening right now." Okay. I feel sorry for that kid Oh, that's me. I feel sorry for myself type of thing. So it doesn't transfer as much, that's how I explain EMDR.

And you sleep really well.

Yeah, right?

Meditation helps.

And that's what I was gonna get to next, is I've noticed that it needs to be layers of different things. This isn't quite hitting as hard as it used to. What's the next thing that I can do? And this is where the wellness part comes in, is what else can I do? And when you're healing, and you mentioned this a little bit, is it's that slowing down.

So this isn't where you're going and you're doing hardcore workouts. This is where maybe you're going for a walk, which I think you- mentioned that.

Yeah.

Meditation, more sleep, a little more silence.

People who have gone through trauma, want to distract ourselves. To deflect and go away.

I don't wanna have that emotion, or experience that, and deflect. If you're willing, meditation works.

And the one that I got connected with and what changed my life, it's called Vipassana.

It's a scale from the Buddhist ed- teachings, but it's a-

v-I-P A-S-S-A-N-A

so what kind of meditation is this?

So it's not a religion. It's based off of Buddhist, theology. This is their practice for meditation, one of them,.

By the way, Christianity has lost their ways of not teaching meditation. It's there. It should be there. 'Cause that, it's never taught anymore, which is-

Isn't that part of what prayer is?

No. Prayer is after meditation.

You meditate to regulate, then serve. So Vipassana, it is, it's very simple, is you just breathe in through your nose, blow out your mouth. That's it. You pay attention to temperature change in your nose and then out your mouth. Feel that temperature change.

And then if you can hold that and then you notice, like, a itch, like on your elbow, you wanna go for it. Don't. Just acknowledge it. It's like, "Oh, there's an itch. There's an itch on my elbow. Oh, there's an itch." Breathe. "Oh, that's cold air, warm air." And it no longer itch.

No, I totally itch it.

That's why I have to do guided meditation.

Huh. I'm gonna have to try

Yeah, so if you just pay attention, just your nose breathing or that... You can breathe in your mouth, too. But the temperature change. That's it.

,

When I Google this- it says that, the meaning is to see things as they really are or insight in Pali. I thought- that you'd appreciate that.

No, it's good. If you can do, the 10-day retreat, it's mind-blowing. That was the beginning of a shift when I took it.

When I moved to LA, I got so much road rage. It's just stupid traffic. I'm from Iowa, so we don't have traffic, and so it's just like, "Go. Just move."

For five days I was so angry at myself, 'cause you're just left there, everything in your head, listening to the instructor and... But you can't respond, you can't do anything, so you're just stuck

And then finally, once it clicks, 10 hours goes by and you're like, "Oh, that's it?" It's pretty cool. But, I always breathe in, breathe out throughout the day just to calm myself. Like, if I'm having triggers, seriously

If I can observe my trigger, I will breathe through it 'cause of the meditation skill I learned, and that will help regulate me and calm me down. So if we had an experience and you have a lot of triggers, I would try meditation.

in applying- What I've noticed with that is make sure you're doing the down, you're regulating down.

Yes, not regulating

up. So extra exhale.

Yeah.

Yeah, the down breathing to, it's more of the calming breathing- to regulate. Not the hyperventilating stuff, which I've done, but that will-

Even hearing people do that for their own breathing exercises starts to trigger me. So just be mindful of what your triggers are.

Yeah, exactly. Like therapy is definitely, is a new experience for me, so I can't really...

what I'm hearing is helping, it sounds like you've tried many different things.

Yeah.

And you keep adding things on as things need to fall off because they're no longer working or whatever.

You have to, it's not one size fits all.

Yeah.

Like these are the things that I've done. They may not work for you, and you may say, "Oh, they won't work for me." I'm like, "Then try it." Actually really try it to say, "No, this does not work for me."

So stay curious.

Because what it boils down to is fear.

Your ego is keeping you locked in "Oh, it won't work for me." Like, "Have you tried?" "Well, no, I know it's just not gonna work." That's your ego. Your ego wants to be in misery. But yourself, the higher consciousness of you, the reason why you're having issues, it's popping his head up and like, "Hey, I'm here.

I'm uncomfortable now. We need to work on this. Get the ego out of the way." So if you're having conflict, that's a good- Yeah.

And it makes sense because we need to figure out a way to cleanse ourselves, because our spirit is bigger than our body.

100% ...

anybody questions this, be around either somebody who's short or a child. And you'll be like, "Holy cow, yes." You are so much bigger than the, your body size.

And thinking about it with the body keeps the score idea, is that if you think about it, there is that disconnect, right?

Because it's stuck in your body, and your spirit's bigger and your spirit's saying, "We need to get rid of this so we- can reconnect again." Because trauma, especially in childhood, because childhood is when you have that foundation. We weren't allowed to have that foundation when we needed it, right?

So trauma at any age is awful, but most especially in childhood.

Yeah.

It's harder to recover from if it's in childhood. So we're trying to rebuild that foundation so we can have that connection that we should have had and never fully had with our spirit and our body. And that is a very big deal, and that's where we end up having this where we feel like we're fighting ourselves, and that's where the autoimmune disease comes in to play.

Thyroid stuff comes into play. And it makes- sense because you never felt like you could speak up for yourself.

Correct.

Or express emotion.

Yep. And that can happen with your different chakras, where maybe if you were sexually abused, you have issues with your hips, your pelvic floor area.

Mm-hmm. I've gone down several rabbit holes within my own healing, let alone coaching other people.

But the story from all this that's really coming through for me is it is absolutely a journey.

100%.

There is healing along the way. You will come through, think of it like hiking, and you'll come through the other side of this, and then something else is going to come up, like this is the next thing to heal.

And it... Think of it more like this is the next gift that you get to unwrap of this healing gets to happen. There's sucky parts to it-

Yeah ...

but like you were also saying, you can then shed that light for somebody else.

The experiences that you've gone through is actually not for you. It's for someone else.

Your experiences are done, you have to have some positive twist or you're gonna go through some morbid stuff. So you have to get the mindset, like my experiences that I've been through, the worst of the worst that anyone can imagine, it's done because your story is gonna help someone else.

Just because no one helped you does not mean you can't help someone else.

Like- And maybe you should help somebody else because nobody helped you.

Correct.

And I love what you also said with the whole idea of Body Keeps the Score, is that it doesn't matter what your trauma was.

Does not. Absolutely not.

Your body recognizes it-

As trauma ...

it shows up the same way in your body.

Yeah.

And that's a really big deal. And remember that when you start doing the, "Well, mine isn't as bad as that person," because you're still going down the whole worthy train,

and then I'm laughing 'cause there's a SNL quote that my husband has shown me, and it's funny.

It's a therapist saying, "I can cure you of anything." "All right. Well, let's try it." And she starts- "Stop it or I'll bury you live in a box."

Yeah,

yeah. Anyway, if you haven't seen it- Google it.

Google

It's funny. Enjoy it. It's

hilarious.

There's your therapy session in a nutshell.

Anyway, and no, it's not realistic. That's what's funny about it.

Yeah.

But help the other person behind you. Be the person that you needed. Know that it is a journey. Know that your trauma is valid. What you are going through is valid. I am not a hugger ... but picture me hugging you, okay?

Everybody, like, we all need that. We all deserve it. And even- the worst person in the world deserves to feel love and worth, and probably they're the worst person in the world because they did not.

Correct.

Can I ask you a question real quick?

Yeah.

Do you say, "I'm sorry," a lot?

Even more, I've noticed females do it, and then people with trauma do it a lot.

So here's the thing that I add into some of my little talks type thing. So also being a hair stylist, I notice, observed a lot, from the perspective behind the chair, but being around women a lot, girls, is that, And I catch people, people who are close to me, and I constantly remind them, if you've gone through trauma, any type of trauma, and you say, "I'm sorry," stop saying, "I'm sorry."

And I'll explain. Say, so I'm sorry. You say that to an intimate person, someone that you're gonna give your life to your intimacy with, your, intimacy, not sex. I'm talking about just a connection, a vulnerability.

That's good ...

someone that you trust completely. That's the only time you say, "I'm sorry."

Yeah, just say, "I apologize," or, "I regret." Saying, "I apologize," cuts that connection off. You're not handing over your vulnerability. You're giving a stranger your intimacy, your vulnerability by saying, "I am sorry." You're being intimate to a stranger.

If you had trauma, you're always bowing down. You're putting yourself down by saying that. Now just go to someone who you care, and just do a little experiment, and it's like, I just need to feel something, so just bear with me." And just say, you know, "I'm..."

Like, just like yell at them or like whatever, just like smack them on the shoulder or whatever, and then say, "I am sorry." Feel that. Okay? What you experience. Slap them on the shoulder again or something, and then say, "I apologize." You're going to feel a different, you're gonna feel a disconnection from "I apologize."

You're not connected to that person whatsoever. Or, "I regret." You're not feeling that connection. You're not handing over your will to them. "I'm sorry," you're giving over everything to them, and you're expecting a response. But when you say, "I regret," or, "I apologize," you don't need an answer. You don't need forgiveness from them.

You just need, it's like I apologize. Really, I apologize." But you say, "I'm sorry," you're expecting, "I forgive you." You want forgiveness. You don't need to do that, especially if you've been through trauma.

I'm gonna have to think about that for a while.

 It's very challenging.

What I learned is that when you apologize for something, if it's something that you didn't do, like, "I'm sorry that happened to you," or, "Oh, I'm so sorry, I wish I could help in some way," when you have no fault whatsoever, psychologically what you're doing for that other person is making them think, "Well, are they at fault?"

As soon as I heard that I'm like, "That's actually true." So it kind of starts to do this.

Yeah.

When that's not what your intention is. What your intention is to draw closer to them, like, "I am feeling what you're feeling. I'm so sorry that it's happening," that type of thing. And the way to get around that, it doesn't work for every situation.

So like if you're running late, "Thank you for waiting for me. Instead of saying, "I'm sorry."

Yeah. Just acknowledging their existence.

Or what I've done to people is I say, "You know what? I don't accept your apology because it's not needed." And it takes them a second.

I make sure and smile, and then I'm like, "I don't accept it because..." And I do it really fast, so they're like, "Oh, yeah, you're right, I didn't need to apologize." And I'm like, "I know." So- You're welcome ...

so on this type of saying sorry type of thing, and you hit something like it's like, "Oh, I had a brother."

I'm like, "Oh, what happened?" You're like, "Oh, he passed away when I was younger." Like, "Oh, I'm sorry." I'm like, "It's all your fault." You're like, "What?" I'm like, "Dude, you have nothing to be sorry about. Like you weren't there, it's not your fault." you don't need to, you don't need to say that." And it like just took him off his edge, and like, but I'm like, "You're not sorry, you just have it, you're feeling my emotion.

Like, you're feeling pity. Which is okay, but..." Then I go in my whole sorry thing. I'm like, you can't hold my burden. That's an old burden. You weren't there, so it's all good. I get it." But a different approach.

Yeah. But the thank you for the other situations has been helpful. And really, what you said is true. When we apologize, we are shrinking ourselves down.

Especially when people have trauma, especially sexual abuse or rape, this is huge. Especially if I meet someone that's gone through that experience, if I'm around them when they say that, I try to correct them as quickly as possible. Be like, for saying I'm sorry, I'm like,

You're being submissive, and it's not necessary. Like, you're handing over your, your will to me. Like, I don't want it, and you shouldn't give it to me."

There's some people, I remind them, "You can take up space, and you should."

Yeah, exactly.

Yep.

So it's little habits that I notice that are pattern-forming, childhood that I'm becoming more aware.

Once you become awakened, you're like, "Oh, ew. Ew, I don't wanna do that again," or like, "Why am I saying that?" My biggest issue is I'm still dealing with worthiness. Worthy of

love generally, and like, being closed off.

It was social media, like, 11 years ago. There's no way I could find it for you. Or it would take a really long time. I shouldn't say no way.

But, it was... I'm sure there's science behind it at this point. She was interviewing some people that were close in her life, and some of the negative things that they tell themselves.

And then she brought up their childhood picture, and she said, "Now say it to that person." Every one of them broke down, That is why is imagine childhood you, or even better, have a picture of childhood you around to remind yourself. Yeah, that's good.

Look at this child. Absolutely this child is worthy. And if you can't get to, "I am that same child," at least start there. Know that it's a step at a time. But there's no way childhood you deserved any of that stuff. And then when you can get there, remember that childhood you is still within you, so no way does adult you deserve that stuff either.

Yeah.

That doesn't mean go and be awful to the world because the world owes you. No.

But remember that you are worthy of goodness So how do we get into your world for those that really resonated with you- ... wanna be on the healing journey with you?

I'm on social media, Severin Lang. So S-E-V-E-R-N L-A-N-G is one of my handles. And then severinlang.com.

Best is, social media. I'm more on Instagram than anything. And, I generally reply, so just shoot me a DM.

Thank you for being on. I could definitely see the emotions through there. I know that after this conversation, it'll still take you a little bit probably to wind down from this.

You'll probably still be meditating on this for a while, so-

Yeah.

I do ... know that we appreciate you for going through this with us- for reminding ourselves of the areas that we need to heal, and the reasons why people act the way that they do. And one thing that also came up for me is that obviously you did enough healing to realize your father's intentions, and to realize- He had a rough childhood, and it was coming through for you, and that generational trauma.

Yeah. And you're doing the work to break it, and how much work that takes.

Really does. It takes a lot of work.

You're reminding us of that through your story. And I feel like for me, in particular, with my own learning style, I learn the best through storytelling they're not speaking out of turn. You know, they've actually lived this stuff. Those are the people where I, my mind shuts up, and I actually wanna listen. So thank you for sharing that. I know- Oh, thank

you ...

that it brings you healing, and it also brings you grief along the way to share.

Grief is not bad.

Yeah. It's there for a purpose, but you have to let it be grief. And if it comes up- Instead of

anger or whatever

else ... yeah.

Yep.

Yeah. So I'm noticing that I hold on to a lot of emotions, so I'm dealing with that as well,

well, you'll have a lot more healing from it.

Yep. Hopefully sooner than later.

Yeah.

Thank you. I appreciate you. This has been a lovely conversation.

It definitely was.

I wanna say thank you. You came up with some good points, and that's gonna keep me occupied.

Oh, well, you know how to find me. Email me if you wanna discuss anything along the way.

I will.

Okay.

Bye. I appreciate you. Bye.

Thank you so much for joining our discussion. If you enjoyed this, please like, subscribe, most of all, share the love with others. Please share this episode so that we can help other people really recalibrate every aspect of their lives so they can be the best version of themselves, and I will see you in the next episode.

I want to have my quick disclaimer here that this is not a one-size-fits-all. If you want one-on-one coaching, let's talk, and we will make sure what wellness means to you is really put into your life, put into practice. I am using my undergrad in applied health and my life coaching experience to bring this podcast to you