Trauma and Grief Recovery

We are talking about healing from grief and trauma.

Welcome to Wellness. In every season, we talk all things wellness, to help you align yourself, align with your goals, find balance in your life, and just recalibrate yourself if you are listening for the first time. Welcome, welcome. I'm so glad you're here, and let's get started in the rest of the podcast.

Today I have with me Marsha Earhart, and I'm excited for this one. I know I say that every episode I nerd out on this type of stuff, but this is something that I have personal experience and I know so many people who have experienced this and they get stuck.

It can go on for decades, so this is always timely to talk about and always [00:01:00] needed. So let me back up and introduce Marsha a little bit more. She is a grief, trauma and mental health coach, and she has gone through this journey herself after the loss of her oldest son in 2014. She said she wanted to be a part of the solution to bring hope and healing to those suffering from grief and trauma.

When something like that happens, and for you, yours did in so many ways. So first of all, thank you for being here. I know that this will bring up things for you as well as healing to discuss this, and I wanna start by saying how much I appreciate you being here and how much I appreciate you finding purpose through your grief and your trauma, and bringing healing to others through your own healing.

That is amazing and it is a very [00:02:00] sacred responsibility that you've been given. And I hope through doing that, you can feel the spirit of your son through this. Where do you wanna start with this, because I know this is such a sensitive and spiritually enlightening topic.

So my oldest is the one that passed and in 2019, our second oldest was murdered with his girlfriend.

From an estranged boyfriend of hers. That's right. I remember this in my email. Yes. So we have dealt with grief on multiple levels and layers because each loss has different aspects of those layers. And so I think it is fair to say that. The way we [00:03:00] grieve is based on, I believe, the relationship. If it's a person that we had with the person, how close we were, how intimate we were with them, or how distant we were, if there were things within that relationship that had not amended, been amended,

Then someone's grief may be compounded because they go to, I wish I could have, should have, instead of being able to grieve the actual boss, being able to find the grace and the beauty from within the ashes of what was and is I believe you have to enter it all autumn. And so from the very onset we entered into giving ourselves permission to grieve.[00:04:00] 

We died as to who we were. We were never going to emerge to be those people again. We couldn't, someone's missing, and I don't wanna be that person again without. That person. Those people, because there's a side of us when we're engaging with someone that an individual brings out that someone else may never bring out in us.

And for me that's okay. That part's gone. But the memories that are holding into that place lasts with me forever.

There's a comfort and I, I really do believe there is an exchange in grief that we come in to release so we can receive. [00:05:00] There's grace that comes in the grief, jour grief journey. Now, whether we're willing to receive the grace from God.

That's a whole nother subject. And for our family, we have a very intimate relationship with the father, son, and Holy Spirit. So our journey really was about pressing in and asking. Would you show me the beauty in the midst of this being broken open and this pouring out of pain that is so palpable, and in those moments when you're breathless and you just don't know how you can keep going, we saw him show up.

[00:06:00] We saw beautiful things. I feel the veil was pulled back for us to be able to enter beauty in the midst of being broken open.

What does this look like for people you have coached that maybe they've been struggling with this for decades? So when you started, you were talking about there are people that may hold onto this for years.

I have some of those people that have been here and when they start expressing that grief, you may have thought it just happened and it could have been 15, 20 years.

Sadly, when there's the kind of [00:07:00] emotion attached and the sorrow, after 15, 20 years, that person really has been robbed of living life in the fullness of being able to return to a place of joy because of the negative emotions. That they have allowed to consume their lives. So when I'm working with a client, we're unpacking the thorns so they can appreciate each pedal in the rows, because you cannot have the rows without the thorns.

And for people who are coming in with fresh grief. Quite often they're coming because they don't want to encounter a spirit of grief versus those who already may already [00:08:00] have a spirit of grief. They really want to live in experiencing the grief with hope, and we can experience grief with hope. And so for my clients, what we do is.

We look at, here you are in this place and that place may look very different for each person based on the emotions they're feeling, whether they're in fight, flight, freeze, fawn, whether they're angry, there's lack of forgiveness. There's so many things, but we, we put it all in this and we, we look at it.

What is your goal? They're coming for healing. So we set into the place where only they can be healed by the one who heals, and we start that process [00:09:00] and we embrace tools, strategies, the how tos. In this place, even the Y twos, because there are a lot of questions that people come in when they're grieving and they can ask the father every single one of those questions he can handle and he'll give an answer if he deems that one needs an answer or he will give them peace or rest, but he will give them.

He is the healer. So my clients that come, the ones I have are coming because they really want to live in their creative design again. They want [00:10:00] to breathe again to move again and live again. That is so exciting because what they're saying is, I don't wanna live in the tree of death or be consumed.

But I want to live from the tree of life, and not just somehow, but victoriously. So that's what we do. We get them in the place where they can. Live in the tree of life sustainably.

So

this kind of goes with my very first episode that I ever did, which is still my most listened to episode. For you, what would the difference between working with you versus a therapist be and when? When we are stuck in this immense grief? [00:11:00] When do we choose? That question didn't come out quite right, but I know what you're asking, which path we should take.

That's a better way to ask the question. This is what I'm going to say. If you want to go and just talk about your story, go to a therapist. If you wanna talk about and have healing in your story, then you come to me. Because your talking is gonna be to the father, son, and Holy Spirit, and they're gonna be, there's gonna be aspects of healing that happen within the storm because you're telling the story.

It's important that we talk our story and tell our story because it takes it from the brain to here. It's necessary. However, they're not coming to tell me the story. I take them in the presence of the father and they can [00:12:00] tell the story of their pain, the story of their lack of forgiveness, of their anger, of their shame, their guilt, whatever it is that's in this story, and I am present.

I am holding space for them. I am cradling this space for them and I'm walking with them,

but the Lord's doing all the work in and through the process, through what we do in the sanctuary for a therapist. A therapist, and I know that side very well. You're gonna go and talk and tell your story. The therapist is gonna ask you some key questions. You're gonna answer those questions, and then she'll say, or he will say, okay, [00:13:00] your 50 minutes are up.

That's not what you're doing here.

When we go in and we take the anxiety that's come from a tragic loss. We're going in and we're, this is what's happening. I'm feeling anxious and you're telling the Lord, I'm feeling anxious. I'm not able to sleep.

and I said, well, could you just ask the Lord what would life look like if you weren't anxious anymore over this? And they ask. And the Lord, lets say rest. You would have rest. Could you ask, Lord, what can I do with this anxiety? And Jesus says, give it to me. 'cause I was meant to carry it.

You were never meant to carry it. It's mine.

And then there's the exchange. And I say, anxiety, do you want to release [00:14:00] yourself to Jesus? Yes. Lots of tears because anxiety's been overwhelming. It's been impacting my soul, my body, my physical body is feeling the anxiousness. So I say, well, can I just pray for you to release that? Yeah. So we go through a releasing, and that's very cathartic for an individual.

And Jesus is saying, give it to me. And they will say, I can see myself, or Jesus took it, or it just, and sometimes they describe what it looks like leaving with Jesus. It was this sponged up little black blob, or it was this frayed looking little child that went, or, [00:15:00] I mean, it's just amazing 'cause everybody has different things in the way that they process it.

and we sever from any generational component. And we s from any vow that has been spoken or spoken over. We have to understand in grief, you people have a propensity to speak Vows. I will never get over. I'm always, yes, I'm always gonna feel blah, blah.

And I'm like. Okay. Do you do realize when you're saying that you're speaking a vow over yourself? I am. Yeah. And your body's gonna line up with that? 'cause you've just told your body you're never, and you're always, now, if I'm gonna say always, I'm always gonna be able to return to joy. I love that. 'cause my body, now here's, we're always gonna be able to return to joy and we're gonna do it healthily.[00:16:00] 

Mind resonated. Yeah, because the mind and the body, the soul and the spirit, they all come together. But if they're fractured and they're fighting, we have this war going against one another, then that's when the maladies of sickness and we have mental health problems because. We are starting, the body keeps the score.

It takes it on. We all know the, the adage the body keeps. It does. And so quite often we'll see people with many illnesses. They can't move, they can't walk, they can't run. They're struggling with their help because of the grief. So my job. Is to take someone into the presence of the healer. If they are not a [00:17:00] believer, I still can take them in to be healed because they're using my capacity to be healed.

I have as many non-Christians as I do Christians because the reality is Jesus came to heal all people. All. He didn't say only people that profess my name. He said all. So he's healing all people.

That's the most incredible aspect of part of his character because he does not want any to be walking without the hope that he has for them. And see, depending on someone's. Spiritual stand. I do believe that the enemy, Satan, is here to kill, steal, and destroy us, and he is gonna try and do everything he can to keep us at the tree of [00:18:00] death.

He's gonna want to pull us into that pit and make us think we can never, we will always 'cause he is a liar.

And when would you choose? You asked the question, when do you choose? I came from the very beginning. When the grief starts, you choose.

You choose from that moment. Okay, how am I gonna walk this out? Am I gonna be intentional? Because time's not gonna heal me, but intentionality will heal me. You have a question? No, that's true. Okay. I saw you. I saw you looking to those times like yeah, that's true. Oh yeah.

But you have to choose, I think, and that's what dictates the rest of their days. Unless something comes in or someone comes in and says. Hey, I just wanna let you know I love you and I feel [00:19:00] like maybe you could benefit from some healing.

Now you may lose a friend 'cause you spoke truth, or the friend may go,

thank you Autumn. You know, I think I right. Need to look at that and see what that looks like.

either way you can lose a friend, and by that I mean they're already lost if they're dead in the tree of death, if they're not living life. So at this point, you have nothing to lose, but to love them well and say, Hey, in loving you, I wanna be part of your healing. How can I support you?

And sometimes you're on that journey just to tell them something's wrong. That's right. That's right. And humans, we need to hear it several times. Yes. So it might be they blow you off and then in their healing journey they come back. Mm-hmm. You never know. [00:20:00] No.

So what is the difference between trauma and grief?

Because they very much hold hands. So talk about that and do you work with people who just have trauma, not grief. And how do you Not both. Okay, let me explain Trauma. I think I'm gonna do this in a story, if it's okay, not with with the definition.

I work with a lot of individuals who have been sexually ritually, abused, as well as who have had sexual abuse, emotional abuse, like me. Okay? So as a child, when you are molested, first of all. The mind cannot perceive, nor the body understand contextually what is going on because, and I'm talking about a young child, there's not a context for this.[00:21:00] 

And so the trauma of that, there's a trauma. It's impacted them emotionally, physically, it can spiritually.

Sexually.

What happens in that instance is there are things, when there is an act that is enforced upon you, that comes in and life, you're not a child anymore. It has hijacked you from your childhood. So there are fears that come in. There's awareness, but not awareness like an adult would have because you don't have the verbiage, you don't have the context to be able to process and understand this or even talk about it [00:22:00] quite often.

So the part that is trauma is that I'm reliving, I grow up. What is wrong starts defining me from my trauma that I must have done something I, I and so now I have a fear. I have a shame. I have a guilt because I don't know what I did, but I must have done something. And so you start living from that place.

And there's grief because you lost something that was not supposed to be taken away from you, your childhood. So we've got grief and we have the act of the trauma itself, and the two now are in the same body and it's [00:23:00] vying both of them, vying for space. How do I deal with the trauma? How do and you can't even, again, quite often I've got trauma and I've got grief.

I actually help child part from that time and those actions to bring, to have healing from the acted self, the actions, and to be able to grieve the loss of their childhood. To bring them in the presence of the Lord, to restore them the way they were meant to be. So trauma is something that has happened that has impacted the mind, body, soul, and spirit to where it is reacting out of that.

And it can be [00:24:00] triggered. It could be by an individual who walks in a room, looks like smells has a voice. Any kind of motion that look. I mean, and we don't realize because it's coming from the amygdala where the stored trauma is. Quite often the person who's been trauma may not realize that their bodies respond or reacting in that way.

They just think I've gotta, and it could be, I've gotta go in protective mode, or I need to leave. I've got, I mean, so again, the trauma is not the same as the grief.

It was a book that she read and it was saying that it could even be like a color or a texture Yeah. That could trigger you. And That's right. It was amazing to realize, oh, 'cause there's so many times where in my own life, and yes, those [00:25:00] people I've coached, but always go back to me 'cause I'm the lived experience.

I've lived this of, that's why sometimes I trigger out nowhere. I'm like, what is going on? And it allows, it's that moment to, okay, tune in. What's going on? All right, breathe. Remember that I'm safe. Do the, the safe safety tools that I've learned. I was gonna say features.

So here's my question that I know the answer to that I know listeners might not.

Do you have to relive these moments? Because sometimes in therapy, depending on what therapy you use, you have to relive it and it's awful. I've done that, start a plateau, and then I took on a somatics coach, and what you're talking about is somatics. So answer that before I start spewing and then answer it for myself.

To answer your question, absolutely no, you do not have to relive that.

When we go in the presence of the father, and I have so many, [00:26:00] individuals who have been sexually abused, what I will say to them, 'cause they're like, I wanna know, sometimes they wanna know certain things. And what I will say is, sweetie, could we ask the Lord if that's something that you need to know?

Is that okay if we ask if that, would you just ask him, is this something I need to know? And I said, and because he's a good father, this is what the father will do. If you need to know, he's gonna take your hand and he's gonna walk with you. And if it's something you don't need to know, guess what? He's gonna take your hand and he is gonna walk with you.

And he's gonna take you in the healing either way.

Some need to have that. He needs sometimes for them to know, and here's [00:27:00] why I wanna address the person listening to this. I, because the perception of what you're living out is not an accurate one, and he wants to reframe it. From a truth perspective, so the person who's carried the shame and the guilt, and he takes them into that situation and he shows them that the person who was doing what they were doing, they get to see that person.

It had nothing to do with me at all. It was the person they were, they came in angry. There was something already going on, and so he's allowing for this to be reframed now so that when I'm healed, I have the right frame. I like that. Okay.

Where's the best place to find you? Www dot the Sterling [00:28:00] Rose Sanctuary us. And it's us. Because I believe it takes us as a community to restore and bring full healing to all people. Any last thoughts as we close out? I have a book Gripping Grace in The Garden of Grief, which really is a very helpful tool for people who've had trauma who are grieving.

it's been called a companion to the Grief and the Trauma because it's gentle, but it's also realistic as to the pain one feels when they have grief, and anyone who's been trauma has grief.

I've done that where I keep trying to go back and it's in the show notes. Don't worry. And I know for myself that I've gone through workbooks to help me with it, and it makes a huge difference. and this isn't even a workbook. [00:29:00] It's really, this is my own account, the very raw, visceral account of my grieving.

And so it's really for the person to know there's someone like me, not alone. Yeah. I'm not alone. I someone else feels this way. They've walked this journey and they are living life again.

I really talk about in the book, I just think it's so important when we go through these horrific times in our life, we get to walk out with treasures from the dark.

I love that. And if you haven't gotten 'em, you better go back and get 'em because they're for yours to keep. It's the beauty that comes from those, those dark moments. And those treasures, [00:30:00] actually, some of those things are part of my weapon for the next trial.

Or sometimes just to help somebody else Correct. Where you're like trial similar to something I've been through here. Yes. And just like I said, when I started, we lost a son. Well, guess what? We had been walking five years. We had some treasures already from the five years we used those to walk right back into that second loss.

So there's purpose. That comes from the painful places that we go through. And again, we have to choose whether we want to receive the purpose out of it or we want to declare that it's purposeless [00:31:00] and ask why and all the questions and become the victim. We're not ever the victim. We may be victimized by somebody, but we are not the victim.

And I know for people like, Hey, I get it, but you don't understand this happened and that, yes, I do understand, but I also know that you have victory and you stand from victory. If you're choosing to remain a victim, then you have already said. It's over, game over. And that sounds better than saying you're a survivor, right?

You wanna do more than that? Yeah. I don't wanna survive. You wanna thrive. And that's the whole, I don't, I don't wanna just survive, I wanna thrive in this life. And when I go home, I want every aspect of every ounce of what I've had used up. [00:32:00] I don't want it to be sitting back somewhere because I. I didn't want to get out there again because I could lose, I could hurt.

I deal with people that come in the sanctuary with all sorts of losses that they're grieving. It's finances. It's the reality that I'm, you know, estrangement right now is such a big deal that I'm not able to be with my children and my grandchildren because they've decided to, cut me off.

There's so many right now that are grieving these losses that are in their lives, even divorce, but, but the game is not over. You gotta get in the game. Stay in the game. And it's part of life. Life. No one ever said life was gonna be easy. I don't ever, I've never read that ever. And Easy is actually kind of boring.

It's hard to remember that when you're going through the trial. Well, I mean, [00:33:00] we don't want trials all the time, but I do have to say what I think. Autumn and I are talking about, we do wanna live a life that is challenged in the sense that we're growing, that we're maturing, that we are knowing that there's that transformation that's ongoing, the renewal that's ongoing.

We don't have to go and make some traumatic event. But the reality is, she and I can tell you it's gonna keep happening and we're all going to die. Yes. The definition of full life, I think is what you just said. Yes. So well, thank you.

Just one person started opening up to me and was like, I didn't even, I, I asked how you were doing. And he could tell that I was really listening to him, and he just started unloading about grief that he had over family members who had died a long time ago. Mm-hmm. And this was recent and I was just. Wow.

I wasn't even in a coaching head space. It was just somebody at church and I, I really wanted to know how they were [00:34:00] doing. Mm-hmm. Somebody that I want to get to know better, that I value, that my husband really likes, and all I did was ask how he's doing. And that's the thing is that when we really care about people, all we have to do is ask.

And especially if somebody is hurting, they will end up. Kind of word vomiting on you. Getting it out. And this is when you have the opportunity to share an episode like this. Like, here I have a resource for you. Yeah. Well, but I think the other part of that, autumn is he saw that you were holding space for him Yeah.

To tell him. And I don't wanna overlook that because I, I need the audience to understand it takes a special individual to hold space, sadly. The world doesn't do that well, we should be trained to do it well, but what you did is you, he knew he had a safe place and that you [00:35:00] helped space and you really were listening to his heart.

Thank you for being that person that people can open their life to and know they can. Be heard that their story is validated and that there is hope. 'cause that's what you're sta when you're standing there. That's what you are doing. I'm here with you, I'm gonna be here and there's hope in this.

And he absolutely thanked me afterwards and said he really needed that and everything else. And I told him that I would follow up with him. And I've given him a little bit of space and he actually is on, in my notebook, follow up with his name right there. And I will definitely, like I said, be sharing this episode.

So don't let me be the only one sharing the episode, looking at all of you that are watching and listening, because there are [00:36:00] so many people who are struggling with this. And like I said, it could be fresh and it could be decades old. Yes. And sometimes we have, and like she said, that. We will have something that will progress and we realize, oh, that's something that is not healed.

And I wanna tag onto something you said. 'cause I think it's so important when Autumn said that he's on her list to check up on. It's not because she needs to make a list, it's because she's very busy and she wants to make sure that she circles back. If anybody's ever entrusted something to any of you who are listening, please circle back.

Please circle back and let them know you're still with them, that you are still interested and you're wanting and if nothing else, to just be praying for them or let them know that, Hey, I just want you to know I've been thinking about you. We really, as a culture, have to get better about that. If people did that, I think it would [00:37:00] really lessen the mental health crisis we're in today.

And the reason I say that is because people who come to me. Feel they're alone. They don't have anyone to talk to, and this is our culture. This is not just a few people and that people are too distracted to be present. Now, that says something about us as a people, so we are here to have relationships one with one with another.

So please start prioritizing and if you want to be part of the solution, then do the little things like autumn. Just, just ask with intention, listen and follow up. And if you're religious is all, pray absolutely. Or meditate, whatever [00:38:00] absolutely works for you and your spiritual wellness. But when names come to mind, write them down.

Yes. Follow up. Yes. And, and again, I mean, even in praying, really let it just be a, a prayer about what they said. You know, it doesn't go, I mean, sometimes people wanna alize things. People don't need things spiritualized, they don't need five, you know, verses that are accompanying through the prayer.

They really need to know that they're the one that's mattering. What they said thought of you. How are you doing right now? Yes, yes.

So I just, I really am praying and my desire is that through the Ster and Rose Sanctuary, we have more people who become part of the solution and because they can healed.

And what I'm gonna say, we all know that unhealed people find unhealed people, but I say heal people. And so I really want everyone to receive healing so they can go heal people. 'cause [00:39:00] that's what I believe we should be living in a healed world. I love it. And that is a perfect way to end.

Thank you so much for you listeners, for being here and for Marsha being here. This has been amazing and so needed, and I hope all of you can feel a little more seen and a bigger exhale from all of this, just that. That softening within your body, within your mind and your spirit. So thank you. Well, thank you Autumn.

I appreciate it honey.

Thank you so much for listening to this episode. I hope that you found the answers that you needed, and you had some amazing aha moments. Please share this episode with others because it helps us align ourselves and then better align the world so that we can seek the healing that we really are looking for as part of the legal language.

I am a certified life coach with a Bachelor's in Applied [00:40:00] Health. That is what I am leaning on for this. This is general advice. Take it as such.