Finding Joy Everywhere

 today we are talking about joy and purpose and legacy, but really how do you find that everywhere and in life, and bring that in to everyday life, and really realigning to make sure you're on that path.

Welcome to Wellness in Every Season. We talk all things wellness to help you align yourself, align with your goals, find balance in your life, and just recalibrate yourself. If you are listening for the first time, welcome, welcome. I'm so glad you're here, and let's get started in the rest of the podcast.

Today I have with me S. Steven Brown, and he has a really cool story that goes along with this.

He figured out how to do this for himself, and then how to do it for family, and then he went and became certified in these different avenues and has blended it all together. So we are going to be talking about that today. But before we get there, I wanna first welcome you to the show. Thank you for being on with us.

Of

course.

And can you tell us a little bit about your backstory and anything else that you want people to really know so they feel like they're resonating with you from the get-go?

Sure. I'm one of those people who, I was diagnosed neurodivergent as a kid. I was given, the diagnosis of ADD back before they had the H.

Back in the '80s, all they had was, Ritalin and shame. Neither of which I use now. I've always struggled in normal educational, avenues, or communication style, so I've always had to find my own path. One of the things I found very early on was improv, which I discovered in high school doing dramatic improv, which was actually kind of a therapy session where we would, create scenes for, drug abuse or against anti-bullying or, gun control.

Like we had different things that we would do, and we would perform scenes for other improv, other children, other high schoolers and, but we would stay in our characters, and go through processing so they would be able to talk to us. So this was this really unique form of performance, but also therapy and also sociologically.

It was like this brilliant introduction to this performance style.

I thought myself a screenwriter, so I went to film school, ended up in LA for, 20 years trying to break into the industry, which, you discover it grinds you down. The entertainment industry is not a very, life-balanced industry at all.

You have to basically throw yourself into it, and whatever happens, happens. And I, i- it just saw a lot of people who were unhappy, a lot of people who were un- like just going through the motions. So I jumped out of that into the corporate world for a few years and once again found people who were unhappy and just going through the motions, and not really...

these are two worlds that kind of blanked our humanity to create slates for us to be something that they could use monetarily. And so right around the time- Like early 40s, I asked myself, 'cause I've always... It's like, "If you're so smart, why aren't you happy?" And that kind of spun me into this world of introspection and, understanding.

And so I took all my improv skills, which I'd still been doing for 30 years, and I turned them inward, and I started taking improv activities and techniques and using them in, like, an analysis of myself.

And that opened up this whole world where I've, I wrote a few books about it, about behavior theory, and I have kind of created this, niche, which I describe as musing, which is, you know, the modern, the historical muses were people who gifted inspiration, to different people that they thought worthy.

But it wasn't just inspiration creatively, it was also mathematics. It was a science. It was art. It was all these different things that people were inspired by. And then, you know, that was the original ones, but then in the Middle Ages and in the Renaissance, there were actual muses that helped other artists.

There were, like, sculptures. Sculptors would have, muses that would do just the hands for their sculptures. Or they would have, other creative people that would help push them into other levels. So, and it was literally, they had... Musing was a, kind of a career at that point. But it's gone by the wayside because now it's, we're very self-reliant, and we're very, like, what can you do?

What are your skillsets? And I think a lot of people are trapped in these boxes that are being made by modern economics and modern, money flow. But they're not human based. They're all economic based. Like, we're all, we have to do these certain jobs, or we're not successful. Or we have to act a certain way, or we're not a good person.

And a lot of these rules and things that are put up by everyone else are not true. And so what I do is I took, I kind of sloughed off everything that I didn't need, what was thrown at me from everyone else, and I realized there's so much more. You have so much more energy and life when you're just doing the things that are important to you.

But you have to figure out what's not important to you first, and get rid of all that, and that's a huge process. And so that's what I help people do, is get rid of the excess things that they don't need, and figure out who's really them underneath. And everyone's different. That's the hard part, is like, you can't use a cookie cutter, kind of philosophy to attack everyone.

You have to have a tool chest of different things that you can use. Okay, this person's gonna respond to this. This person's gonna respond to this. This person's gonna... And that's the magic of what I do, is like improvising, you know- At life level, which is how I got to where I am.

And that was an incredibly long, introduction, but thank you for letting me do it. Oh, that's normal.

I even do that when I'm interviewed. And then we get to take it apart, and really which parts do we want to put under the microscope and dive deep on. So that is so interesting, the idea of using improv as therapy.

Right. And I was thinking about myself and how when I was younger, I enjoyed theater. I enjoyed being on the stage. But as I got older, I did not, because I did not want... I wanted to blend in. Oh. And that's confused. So for me, it's interesting that now that I've had enough healing, I would enjoy doing improv.

Right. Where before, I was going through a program, and they wanted me to create a fake commercial, and I couldn't.

Oh, wow, okay.

And it was part of graduating, and the most that they could get out of me is I was in front of the camera, and I'm just laughing, where everybody else was able to do it, and it was because of that I can't...

I'm so stuck that I can't get out of who I am to become somebody else, somebody- Right ... different for a minute. And it's interesting seeing how you can see different parts of I, I need therapy, I need help because of this.

And it brings that question, because you've done so much work, how do you know when you need therapy and when coaching will work for you?

Oh. My best episode, I talk about this, so now you get to be under the-

The spotlight

It, it's, it comes down to chemical composition, I think. Because once you need, antidepressants or anything because the mental work will only get you so far, but if your body chemistry is not responding well, then you need, like, traditional honest therapy.

And musing is not, we, as we say, musing is not therapy. It's therapeutic, but it is not therapy. We actually like to work in conjunction with therapists, because therapy is about, communicating. This is a typical therapy session. We talk to each other, and then we go off and have our world.

But a musing session is I would be with you. I wanna be in your location. I wanna see what your world is. I wanna see... Because that's where you hide from therapists. Yes. When you, when I'm-

That's why I've been with them for 20 years ...

because you're not actually telling them the truth. You're telling them what you think.

Yeah. And your environment is telling a completely different story. So if you talk to your therapist like, "I'm a huge car guy. I love cars," but if I go into your apartment, there's not a single car thing, there's not a poster of cars, there's nothing there automotive, I'm like, okay, there's a disconnect here.

And I can see it immediately, but you couldn't see it in a traditional therapeutic session. So that's where what I try and do is I try and break through the wall, and then send you to your therapist with, "Okay, this is what we broke. See how you fix it." Because, people need these...

You need to have that anvil moment, where it just rings. It's like you suddenly, everything makes sense. Like, bong. Like, someone ring, and you just cascade it out. And you can see it in people's eyes when I'm like, oh, wow, I have been contributing to my own unhappiness.

Bong, and you just see it, it starts to spread out. But you can't do that for them. You have to get them to have that revelation, and that's the tricky part. But the, back to your point is if it's mindset and perspection, perspective can get you so far. But if there's really truly trauma or anything deep in there that you're avoiding, you need, traditional therapy

but musing is the way to break through those next levels when you're plateauing. That's what we do. We try and, help shake the pail to see what comes loose.

I'm so glad I asked the question because you answered it differently than I have. So I think for people who are still stuck, this will be so great to, oh, I have this moment of this makes sense.

Right, and that's what we're looking for. Like, musing is we're looking for those next moments where, you're breaking through a level, a layer, but- What we don't understand is when we make mental breakthroughs, it affects so many different things that you kind of need to, let the stone hit the water and then watch the ripples go out for a little bit, and then throw another stone.

Yep.

But so many people, just try and, have to fix myself now." It's like, stone. You're not seeing what's happening. Hit, let it roll, and, that's what I try to do. But, you know, you always have to run on the pace of your client and, reflect on what they're giving you, 'cause you can't just be...

Like, the first day, you're like, "I know what's wrong with you. I know what's wrong with you already." No. You have to be like, "Okay."

Why doesn't that work? That's exactly the next question I was gonna ask you.

Because e- internal change can't come from external sources.

Basically, what you have to do is you have to work through their defense because there... If someone hasn't changed, th- there is a reason they're that way, and there, th- there's a reason that they haven't changed. There are many reasons why we are, and most of the reason they don't change is because they have s- like, a s- a system of defenses that are up.

As soon as you talk loudly, they'll close down. As soon as you mention something else, they'll close down. It's like people have their ways of like, "No, no, no, no." So the trick is working in through the defenses using things that they already like. We have to get our client to make the revelation themselves.

We can't tell them. They have to say it. And so the best way to do that is if you can get them to say it first, that's the secret. But sometimes you have to be like, "Well," you say it, and then a week later they're like, "Oh, remember when you said that? Now it makes sense now." But they need the time for their defenses to go down, give them a se- like, chance to, like, listen to themselves.

And it's like, actually, yes, he was right. But yeah, defenses go up so quick.

We're so quick to... Especially now. Social media has made us so responsive to being put out there. We're so hyper-responsive to, oh my God, this comment or this like or someone liked something, and that sends you into a spiral.

Just a click. One click can send someone into a spiral, and, that's such a... we're not meant to respond that fast to that many things.

Or heaven forbid if they accidentally hit the wrong emoji.

Right. It's like, "Oh my God, he loved that. What does that mean?" It's don't, ugh.

Or it was angry- It's just-

but it was supposed to be a heart or, yeah.

Yeah. Ugh. Yeah.

And I've had that where I'm like, "Did anybody see that?" I'm like, "No, no, no, nobody needs to see it." Yeah. I'm experiencing it. It's okay. And I was thinking about it, and it's not just social media. Absolutely social media, but how many apps do we have that are quick to do whatever thing that we need or-

How many times do we find our phone in our hands and we're like, "Why is this in my hands? What am I doing?"

Activity without processing. Yeah. Kind of, it keeps you on the pattern, and that's what society wants us to...

Society's only job is to keep society alive, but it will cannibalize... I have a theory of society versus humanity, and society will cannibalize humanity every chance it gets because society just wants to it's a system that just wants to maintain itself, but humans are this individual, unique, magical thing that not all of us will fit, ever.

We're never all gonna fit into a society. So it will, like, lop off the people that it doesn't like or the elements it doesn't like or force people into boxes, and it just... my job is to deprogram. You can program people en masse real easy, but deprogramming them you have to do individually. Each person has to be deprogrammed by themself or, because it won't work.

We all find different reasons to love something, and you have to figure out that exact reason before you can, pull it out.

So one thought that came to me that you did not mention, is just thinking of myself and the healing that I've done is it's a sense of safety.

Yeah. I have a higher sense of safety. Yesterday I went up on the ladder no problem, was doing something up high, and I'm coming down the ladder. I'm, "Wait, this isn't normal." Normally I'm afraid of heights, and it's actually not the fear of heights, it's the fear of falling. And I didn't have the fear of falling.

I just felt very safe and comfortable, and I was distracted with my little guy that you saw just a little bit ago.

And I had that, "Wait, why was I able to do this and not even think twice?" And I was manipulating the ladder. It wasn't quite working, and I had to extend it around the little stairs. I'm...

We're, painting our garage. Oh,

wow ...

yeah, having a little fun, Good luck ... we're pulling into the garage, and oh, here, it's a little bit of color and it's already all organized and it's that, "Oh, yay." And then we're coming into the rest of the house that's already painted. Oh, that is- So, yeah ...

so brilliant.

Yeah.

Fun little- Your first- ... moment of joy. Yep, and it has a nice little pop of color with the accent wall right in front of the car, so yay. Fun little things. I like house projects. I'm a weird one.

And when you start with coaching clients, it, you have to give them that sense of safety.

Yeah. And even just a little bit. But going through their defenses, that totally makes sense. I love that. Because there's so many times where before I did, became a life coach, before I started, practicing it with different courses that I've taken, I would give people advice. And I'm like, "I see what's wrong with you."

And I give it to them and be like, "Here's this gift." And they're like, "Cool, whatever."

Right.

You know? Toss it over their shoulder. And I'm like, "But don't you see it'd make your life so much better?" And then when I started taking the courses and I started turning it around on when people have done that to me, it's like, I get it now.

Yeah.

And it made me think about my own work that I needed to do, because I needed to be okay with people not being okay, and just holding- Yes ... the space for them. And it made me realize where I was not healed and I was trying to project, "Here, hurry up and fix it so I'm- Yeah ... not seeing your pain and everything else."

Yes. Very, very interesting. 'Cause if I can fix other people, I will get fixed somehow. Like, that's always the... Back of my mind is like the, every person I fix, it's helps me somehow.

Yeah. And that's for pleasers, and I've had those coaching conversations with people who are also pleasers. And I remind them, once I'm far enough in with them, "You're actually, your ego is in the way, and you are projecting."

Yep. "And this is totally an ego thing because you're trying to hurry up and fix whatever the situation's going to be by hurrying up and pleasing, instead of letting people feel what they need to feel." And I've had people start to argue, but I'm like, "No, no, no. Just let it marinate for a second." Yeah. And then once they do they're like, "Oh, I see how it is."

And they're like, "How do I get out of that?" I'm like, "Practice."

And it sucks, and it's painful because now you have the awareness, but it's very interesting as you keep trying and as you have more breakthroughs with it. It's a whole different ballgame.

One of the ways I find, the easiest way to get through someone's defenses is using their entertainment palate.

One of the things that, started with me is I believe that we are defined by our obsessions. Any client I have, I ask what their obsessions are. Do you like sports? Do you like movies? Do you like TV shows? What do you watch? Because what we do for entertainment defines the feels we want to have in our life.

There is a reason we watch every piece of entertainment, because it, gives us a certain feeling, but it gives different people different feelings. So when I look at what feelings they're getting from their entertainment, I can see what they're missing in their life. It's like, oh, you're watching a ton of romantic comedies.

You're obsessed by them. Like, I'm guessing you're missing a lot of rom-com. Or you love sports, or you love procedurals, or you love these kind of movies, and then they'll be obsessed by those characters. So then, the other section of that is I can use those characters in introductions to help them understand themselves better, because they already know the patterns.

If people are obsessed with Lord of the Rings, my example is there's a character of, Gandalf. I'll ask them, "Are you, do you feel like you're a white wizard or a gray wizard?"

Depends on the moment. And what is the Balrog you had to face to get through that? And if you're a Tolkien fan, you'll be like, "Oh, okay," 'cause they already have all these emotions tied to that piece. They can then safely add their emotions in and view it from an outside perspective.

So you're giving them characters of like, okay, I'm giving you this as a model. Do you think he would do this or not? And then you can twist it onto them. It's like, okay, well, do you wanna be like Gandalf or do you wanna be like Sauron or Saruman? And then because they've already built the emotional, packs to that, I just have to take advantage of it.

Well, it's like, you know, you're acting a little bit more like Saruman right now. And they'd be like, "No, I'm not." It's 'cause the, history has given us all these stories. They're all stories about humanity. So we can use those to flash back what is it? The, art, art imitates life.

Well, this is life now can use art as a reference.

Wow.

So let's just pause for a second for everybody listening. This is a completely different take from coaching that I've ever heard of- ... on this show, let alone others that I have watched or listened to. If this is resonating with you, where can they find you?

Normally I ask this at the end, but we're gonna do it right now because this is so different.

I'm The Muse Your Life coach, so Muse Your Life Coaching will be my new website. My old website is thebarstooltheories.com, which I'm gonna keep. But yeah, The Muse Your Life coach, and Muse Your Life Coaching are both,

They can find me on Instagram and on the internet and different places, and I, I'm, start a YouTube channel. But yeah, that's where I-

Just Google it and the things will show up.

Muse Your Life Coaching.

And I, the reason why I wanted to put in here is because this is different than the way I coach.

This is, and this is needed, and it makes me think about growing up, I come from a broken home, and it feels, it doesn't resonate with me saying that because I'm far enough into parenting that I don't have a broken home. But I come from it, so I watched a ton of family shows.

Because I-

needed it.

Because that's the s- that, those are the feels you wanted. Do you remember the shows specifically?

Oh, yeah. What is it? Seventh Heaven,

Yeah.

That one.

Oh, Steve Urkel, whatever that one was. Oh,

yeah. Family Matters.

Yeah, like anyone that was on like Disney, Nickelodeon, I was there.

If it was right after school time when I had my TV time, I was watching it.

And

that, Rugrats, if I go way back.

Oh, Rugrats. Dun, dun, dun, dun.

So great. Now it's gonna be stuck in our head all

day. we're in a time where everyone has had entertainment.

So everyone in our country has some form of entertainment they use to soothe themself. So it's almost "Okay, what are you watching? All right." And then just do the mental math of like, oh, well, what's in there that you literally like? The family dynamic. Yeah. Boom.

And for me right now, I don't like watching TV.

I'm really- into books right now. I wanted to mention this for those who are like, "I don't do that," like what is your other entertainment? If it's- not on a screen. For me it still is, 'cause I'm using the Kindle app, and sometimes it's a real book, but Kindle's easier 'cause I can carry it around,

anyway. but it's really strong female character, and she's trapped in whatever life situation and her overcoming it. I love self-help books, but I kind of burned myself out from doing it for 40 years or not. Okay.

Yeah, you can burn

yourself out.

So this is a new way for self-help- Yeah ... is these female characters having to overcome it. And I've had situations where my husband will walk in and the kids are asleep, and I'm getting my quiet time by myself, and he'll walk in, and I'm like And he's like, "What is that face for?"

And I'm like, I just had this huge epiphany moment of, and I can feel, like, the deep layers of healing going on, and like- Yeah ... or he'll come in and I'm crying, and I'm like, "Let me just tell you what happened for me." So it's amazing. It's a totally different type of self-help.

Yeah.

And for me, it makes sense.

I'm still going through this huge healing journey, and it's because as a coach, you can only take people as far as you've healed, as far as-

You're willing to go. And for me, I wanna take them as far as I can, and I've had places where I've had a coaching session with somebody, and I end it, and I'm like, okay, that was okay for them, but I need to up-level.

Where do I need to heal? What do I need to do next?

And it's amazing because I need to make sure that I am... Well, I feel more comfortable when I'm further ahead in my healing than they are, so I need to- keep going.

That's what it feels like. It feels like we're just out ahead of everyone else- Mm-hmm

kind of developing, what we're doing.

And, for music, it's even more so, 'cause I try and take on the obsessions of my clients. So when I- when, I'll learn. I will watch new shows, I'll learn new things, and that's a part of my journey of just learning what other people love. 'Cause going to concerts where you don't know who the band is, but everyone else does, is one of the most magical experiences.

But I,

I like to blend in still, so that makes

sense. Right. But you it's a, there are so many, it's just a positive experience that everyone is focused in a certain direction. It's almost like weddings, where all, everyone's energy is kind of focused toward one thing, and you can feel the excitement about it.

And th- those are the moments that are just pure magic from music. It's like, just being somewhere, like being in a museum, like, where you're seeing just, like, a amazing piece of art that is just awe-striking everyone. Those are the that's what I try and find, those, those moments of pure human inspiration, and nudge people to them.

Like, "Let's go see it. Let's go. Let's go stand in the room with that statue that you've looked at." And people, it's, you, tears. You see tears. They're just like, "Oh, I never knew. I never knew it was like that." But until you're, like, physically in a space with something, you don't really intr- you don't really interact with it.

I'm excited because our kids are finally at the age where they're excited and we can do full days in DC.

Oh, nice. The Smithsonian's are amazing. And the history of that, somebody donated money and for this purpose, and the government went, "We don't know what to do with this." So anyway, look up the history.

It's really cool. But they are now... And we've done enough there that I can now take them to the art museum down there that I went to when I was in high school, and I still remember the visceral reaction that I had to some of the pieces. Yes. I'm so excited to take, especially the two oldest, especially my daughter.

She's very in that creative age. She loves anything creative. So I'm very excited to take them. And my oldest, he still remembers because I remind him. He had kindergarten during COVID, so it was online. And he was supposed to be doing something art-wise, and I was in school online, so we had our computers set up right next to each other, and then all of a sudden he just threw a crayon at the floor, like left a mark, broke the crayon, the whole thing.

And I'm like, "Whoa, what happened? What's going on?" "It didn't turn out the way I wanted," so it's good to be around those things and remind him they probably had those same moments.

Yeah.

Right? This probably did not come easy. And think, and what kind of emotion is this bringing for you? Right.

And I really like traditional artwork better than modern art. We all have our opinions.

And speaking of that actually brings me back to where I wanted to go about how you spoke about- humanity.

Yeah.

And it's that reminder that we are all these Venn diagrams where we have our circles that overlap.

Yeah. And it's so fun when we meet people when we have something that semi-overlaps- Yeah ... but there's enough that we don't know, where we leave these conversations and we're like, "I learned something new, and I'm inspired." And we forget that because when we're in school, we're taught to be a certain way to make it easier for the teachers and easier for learning.

Yeah.

Quote, unquote, it sometimes makes it harder for learning, especially-

In math- Yeah,

When you learn differently ...

the American system of, of learning it's kind of remember these patterns and do them over and over again for the test scores.

Yeah. My favorite teachers were the ones where they would say, "I can tell you understand the concept even though you don't remember the exact date." Like-

...

For me, shouldn't that matter more for a conversation rather than I'm regurgitating a date? Yeah.

No.

And We need to- ... spend our 30s and 40s in particular unlearning that-

And really developing who we are, what hobbies do we want to have versus what we feel like society says we should have.

Exactly,

yes. And that's exactly where you come in from the sound of things.

Well, one of the issues is, you know, when you're born, you're told, "Go to school. You're gonna learn from a teacher."

Okay, you're gonna go to college. You're gonna learn from an instructor. Now you're gonna get married. You're gonna have kids. You're going to learn from each other. Once that's over, what then? So many people You learn to learn from someone, but then eventually you have to learn to learn from yourself, and that is the hardest thing to do, especially when no one's setting you up for it.

No one's telling you, "Oh, pay attention to your own body," the whole time. They're always like, "Follow the rules. This is what you do. This is how you dress. This is how you stand." And then at some point you're like, no one's here to tell me how to dress or how to stand anymore."

I had that moment. Yeah

And you feel like an imposter. You're an imposter in yourself because you're not being told how to be good. You have to decide what's good for you, and that permission, 'cause it's really... it's permission. It's giving yourself permission to have fun as an adult, giving yourself permission to be yourself.

That permission is one of the biggest things to get through to people, is you are in command of yourself. Like no one else. You get to decide so many things. You have so much more power in your life than you think you do. But so many people have been told, "No, you can't do that. You don't do that. No, no, no."

And you've been told no once by someone. When you were seven years old, he said, "Never do that," and then you just keep it in your head, and like, "Oh, yeah, well, I never do that." Why not? And so I give people the option of, like, just try new things. Try this. Have you ever tried it before? No, I never thought I would.

Someone told you when you were a kid, and you just held on.

See, I mention this all the time. I'm sorry, roll your eyes here. Insert eye roll here.

Pickleball. Pickleball. I was told that I don't have very good eye-ha- hand- Very good what? Hand-eye coordination. I can't say the word. I don't have very good hand-eye coordination, so I did soccer.

Loved it in high school. Wasn't the best at it because I didn't... I was afraid to try my hardest and not do well, so I kinda tried hard-ish instead of hard-ish.

Interesting. Yeah.

that

is an

interesting- But- Yeah.

Yeah, so lot there, because I was raised... And it'd be interesting to go back, like, who taught my dad this?

You had to be perfect the first try, and if you weren't...

That's absolutely wrong. Yeah. That is- Yeah ... literally 100%

wrong. I have unlearned that, and I have made sure to share that with my children, especially my- My- ... oldest, because he's old enough to be receptive. He's 11 and a half. Whereas the other ones, I will teach them as they get closer to that age an understanding of I thought that I had to be perfect the first try, and the times where I was perfect the first try, it wasn't as rewarding as when it was hard and I had to work for it.

Yeah. And I've had that conversation with him, particularly with pickleball. My husband went into it because I was interested, and he's been amazing at it from the get-go. He's gotten a lot better, but compared to me, where everything has been a struggle, and it has been my own therapeutic experience, because I have very big freeze response because of abuse.

And when that ball is coming at me, it becomes dodgeball. If it's coming at me hard, it's a dodgeball game.

And I am winning points by dodging that. I don't think that's the way you're supposed to play. I know it's not. But it's been amazing to develop my eye-hand coordination. Yeah.

Instead of telling myself I'm no longer good at it, it's I'm not good at it yet, or I'm- Right ... getting better at it. I'm still learning. And it's been-

Yeah ...

very interesting. So- Anybody who's thinking about that, this doesn't mean go join pickleball. This means what are you telling yourself you're not good at-

Right

that you're willing to try? And it doesn't have to be a big thing. Like, this is learning about self-trust. What small thing are you telling yourself you're not good at?

Yeah.

And why, right? That's my own parents' broken system telling me that I'm not good at something instead of, "Hey, let's get you better at this."

And it's- Yeah ... the mindset of like, if you can't do it, don't do it. Like- Right ... like, we have to get, we can get better at everything.

But yeah. My wife struggled with that, like the same- Yeah ... trying to be perfect the first time as well. That's a, It's a, when you, when you've raised certain ways, it, it kind of comes up like, be good or, or don't do anything.

And it's been interesting because my husband is an engineer. Totally different brain function than mine.

And watching him and being married to him for 16 years now, it's very interesting to see, he will get like super OCD planning something out, and I'm like, "Just hurry up and do it." But it's amazing how it turns out because he has slowed down and really thought it through, and I've learned that and I've taken that on, and it's amazing to...

Like with the ladder yesterday, I slowed down and, "Okay, why isn't this quite working? Okay, I need to adjust this part of the ladder," 'cause it's one of those, I think he calls, he, yeah, A-frame ladders. So you have to- put up one side and then the other side and make sure it's a wide enough gap and all this stuff.

And there's one piece that's broken on it. I did not realize that, but it did not affect the safety thankfully. I took the time to really think it through and made sure I had the right tools, and it was after I taped the garage door closed, so I had to go around and went back and forth, made sure my youngest was okay and wasn't touching the tools and, all that.

I took the time to do that, and I'm really proud of the way things turned out, where old me would've been like, it'd be sloppily done because I just needed to hurry up and do things fast, and it's been really fun to see how things are turning out better because of it, and I've taken the time to research to make sure it's better quality paint because bikes are going up and, you know, down from the wall.

So I don't want- Right ... to have to repaint this stupid wall again. So it's been very interesting, and I had fun doing it.

And this brings me- Nice ... to the question of how, if you are- I assume it's mostly from trauma that this happens, where you become disconnected from your inner child. How do you bring that back?

Because it sounds like that's a very key component to having joy in your life.

It's a, from what I've seen, it's about permissions. It's about allowing yourself to be a kid, to have, like, childlike moments. 'Cause a lot of people get told, like, after a certain age, you can't, that's not for ch- adults are supposed to act a certain way.

Almost all of us still have childlike desires that we want somewhere in our bodies, but they're, been, forced out. So I think it's finding, Not being pressured to act adult when you don't need to be, 'cause there are certain situations where we have to be adult, but, like, we don't have to be, so stringent and structured all the time.

And it's finding free play. 'Cause, you know, there's many theories about what play actually is. Like, people say play is, simulated combat, or play is adults learning social ladder skills as they're children. But I, the one I love is people say adults are, Children are young adults.

I say adults are actually corrupted children.

Ooh, I like that.

Right? 'Cause they're, th- the joy has been removed. We had the joy. We had wonder. We had magical experiences, and it's been taken away from us or changed. So just accepting that is like, I... we are all equally human, and no matter what we do, it's all a factor of humanity.

We can't say there, you know, th- that's not humans. Like, if a human can do it, it's human. It's an aspect of human, humanity. And a lot of people feel like they're supposed to be something that they're not, or supposed to be something, and so they try to be. Whether they're supposed to be or not, they put themselves into that box.

And I think that's the key is, like, what do you really need to do? What are your real obligations? And not just made-up ones in your head of, like, "I have to be this, I have to that." Like, you know, one of the things we say is, like, when you say, "I should've been a doctor," or, "I should've been a lawyer," it's like, you're should-ing all over yourself.

You don't have... Those are all shoulds from other people. Almost every should is from some, an external source. We don't say should our, on ourself. You should have? Well, did you wanna? Like, no. Then you shouldn't. So it's, it's, it's really, yeah it's about getting into yourself and figuring out what makes you happy and then pulling the th- and, and then pulling the things out of the way that are stopping that, 'cause that's really the issue is they're always, it, they're, you're just stacking thing...

You're putting joy in a closet, and then you're stacking a bunch of box on top of it. And you're like, "Where's the joy?" It's like, well, you put it there. You go pull the crap off of it. Expectations- And I

think that goes with what you were saying, how you put the anvil down-

Yeah ...

and you're able to-

clear those boxes and look- Yeah ... there's your joy. Now how do we connect it?

Exactly. Yeah.

'Cause I'll do different tricks of, like, One of the things I do is called, string of pearls, which I ask them for the five, what are the five stories that define you as a person? So you like think of the, so those are your story points.

And then we look at which ones, involved, like what emotions were involved with each of the stories. W- was it joy? Was it pain? Was it, mystery? Was it resolution? And so from those, you'll see actually the big, you'll see the big emotions that have affected their life.

If there's one traumatic event, like, or there's like trauma or different things, but some people, you'll see where the joy stops. They'll almost always pick one oh, right here, the fourth pearl when your, when your pet died and you weren't there.

That's a great point to be like, "And now you're going to your therapist, and here's some EMDR that you're gonna be doing with them."

But, it's the non-traditional things of, shaking things up to get them to think of other parts of their life in a different way, and then, okay, now what this might mean, ask, look into it.

I've had different therapists throughout my life. This is not something that has been done in therapy.

So I can see how it's like, "Okay, we brought this up. Now see your therapist. Come back to me." Yeah. I can see how this goes in tandem.

Yeah, and, you know, you can throw me in in, like, a couple months, like, every once, once in a while. We've done just special events. Like, I do... It's all kinda shaken up.

I say when people don't know what the problem is, they should come to me.

Musing is also about a community of ex- human experience, so I try and go out and do... Anything that people are obsessed with, I've done Reiki sessions.

I've done sound baths. I've done dancing on the beach, not just for myself, but to tell other people. I've sent people to a Reiki master. I'm like, "You should go. Like, you're the kind of person who would respond to this." So I have to experience all these different things So I can recommend them to other people.

And then so now I have- Okay ... I have a Reiki person I know. I have a sound bath person. I'm basically collecting all these reference points of people to send because it's not... It takes a village. You're not gonna solve yourself from one person.

You need to - talk to different people and then experience different things, and then you'll see that's how humanity is. Humanity is about, figure this out and then go out and try. And then come back and figure more out, and then go out and try again. And so I like to send people to different experience you, I think you would love a rage room where you go break things for a half hour.

I've done one. I did one of those for my anniversary. It was amazing.

We're planning that for ladies' night because there's one local. We're so excited. Try it. And there's one where, like, you do... You destroy something. There's one where you just, paint splatter. Yes. So we wanna do both.

Yeah.

Those are all therapeutic things that you can bring clients to, tell people about, 'cause it's, it's something that shakes out their natural inclinations or just gets them out of their comfort zone.

So you talk about helping others who don't respond to normal techniques.

Yeah.

Let's talk about that for a little bit.

What I try and do is create a safe space the problem is everyone's safe space looks different, and that's really the tricky part, is you think you're creating a safe space for someone. Oh, it's quiet, it's reserved, it's nice. It's like that for that person, it's absolutely not.

They're not comfortable unless they're in a noisy environment with people all around them doing different things, and that's the key is figuring out each person's comfort, putting them in their comfort zone, and then slowly getting them out of it. You have to know where they're comfortable first.

You can't just pull them into your world. You have to go into theirs, and then slowly pull them out. So you... It's about really reading them first, reading where they're comfortable, what they're looking for, what they think they're looking for, 'cause it's about... a lot of this is transferred s- between wants and needs.

A want is, you know, what we say we want, but it's always being driven by some kind of need, which could be connected, but it's oftentimes a little sideways. It's like, okay, I wanna, I really wanna work, on this show. I wanna, want to work as a writer. But the real need is I need to feel creatively, justified or creatively in doubt in my life.

We don't have to use that want to fulfill that need. We can find other wants to fulfill it, but you have to get them off of that specific want and say, like, "We can fill this other ways. You don't need this. Like, you don't have to stress about getting this one opportunity, because there are other ways to fill your need."

And so that's where the creativity comes in and, like, really having to know the environment and know what they're capable of, because we can't suggest things that they can't do. It's like, you're afraid of heights? Let's go parachute jumping," like immediately. It's like, "No."

That reminds me, I saw a YouTube video of, Tom Cruise. He did that to Jeff Gordon

That's funny.

Yep, that'll do.

Yeah, and he's terrified the whole time. Who knows 'cause Hollywood and-

Yeah ...

he looks terrified during it, and he talks about how terrified he is.

I also thought about it the other way. You would've been amazing for- 18-year-old me, where I could not choose a door. There were so many options, one life to live. I was afraid to make the wrong choice. Ah, yeah. And there were so many great choices.

I guess see you working the backwards way to help people with that as well. Yeah. Let's really discuss what this is, So that, and then I also love the idea of meeting them in their safe space.

But what about for the people, who don't know what their safe space is because they have not had a safe space for so long, they don't know what it even looks like?

Then we have conversations about what makes us feel safe. I start looking at their entertainment palette of, like, what, okay, when you're by yourself, how do you watch things? Do you watch things in the dark by yourself in a wrapped up in a chair? Like, where do you go?

'Cause those are the hints. Those are the subtle hints of how they respond to what they respond. Oh, the one thing is they'll go out for, they go, like to go out to eat. Okay, so restaurants are comfortable to them.

What kind? Yeah.

What kind, exactly. It's finding the specifics because we can't control the things we do.

Our body just kind of, a lot of ways, we just kind of go through the patterns, and we create ways of understanding ourselves just by the patterns of behavior we do. So if you learn to read the patterns of people's behavior, you can easily see how they're feeling, how they want. Like, when you live with a spouse for long, as long as you have, you can tell within seconds whether they're upset or, in different moods.

So the key to this is getting in, like, what we call in rapport as soon as possible, which is, You know the term rapport, where you basically, you almost take on someone's physicality to make them more comfortable?

Like, you kind of match their energy, you match their, and you develop the they naturally feel a trust to you because you're mirroring them in slow ways.

One of my classes I had to learn how to do that. Yep.

Right?

And I struggled with it.

So if you can keep rapport through different conversations, like emotion rapport, where you're staying on their side of everything they're seeing, you can keep them safe.

So it's just backing up their emotions with justification of your own. And that makes them feel like, "Oh, yeah, okay. My emotions are justified, I feel like I'm being listened to, and I feel like I'm being heard." Yeah, and those are the things that make people comfortable, is, maintain a lower status than them, listen intently, respond with questions that are, intuitive, and just allow them to be and don't judge anything they say.

That's the big thing. Understanding without judgment is my motto as a muse. 'Cause you walk in with judgment, people will shut down immediately. The first judgmental thing you say will blow up a safe space. And that's the real key is, like, creating, having a conversation where you're not judgmental at all, because the rest of the world is so judgmental that just not judging people puts them it can be like, "Wow, you're really nice simply because you haven't insulted me yet."

It's that easy. It can be that easy.

And what's amazing is you allowing this for a client or a potential client, you are giving them the permission to do the same thing for somebody else.

That ripple effect.

And slowly you see, 'cause once they see that someone can be non-judgmental, it's that's the thing.

It's like a lot of times humans don't believe something until they see it. Until they see it with their own eyes, they don't believe things are possible, and that's tricky to deal with,

We're being shown an example and being told something different for a lot of our lives.

So what else do you want to share to help this episode feel like it's closer to completion for those that are listening along?

I think if you're listening, just giving yourself a chance. Like the biggest thing is like, yeah, listen to who you are, listen to what you wanna be. Listen to yourself a little bit more. 'Cause that's where it all starts. It's, it all starts just listening to, both your body and your mind, because those are two different things.

You're almost like, it's almost like a brain running a mech suit, where they don't always agree, and, like, that's where you have so many issues. But yeah, give yourself a chance to be the best you can be, and that's what I try and do. I

love that.

And then remind us again where to find you.

The Muse Your Life coach, Muse Your Life Coaching.

I'm the museyourlifecoach on Instagram, museyourlifecoaching.com, and, or

thebarstooltheories.com, as both of those will lead to me. Perfect. Yes.

Thank you. This has been amazing.

I was going to get some work done right after this, but I think I just need to marinate in this, because there were so many things that formed connections for me that I've never had before that were- Awesome

I definitely wanna make sure I'm absorbing this a little bit more. I hope everybody else is. And please, if you want to further this community, share this with others. There are so many people who feel like they're not seen by themselves- Yeah

let alone anybody else. Oh. They don't feel like they're safe, because they don't feel seen, they don't feel heard. They don't understand themselves. They are disconnected from their inner child. Yeah. They don't have that connection between their thinking and their body, which is a big deal.

Yeah.

We are taught to conform so much that we lose huge pieces of ourselves, and that is the biggest killjoy right there.

So if you are struggling with that or you know anybody who is, please share this along the way. If you're struggling, share it, because then you'll have somebody else who can help you.

And then also- reach out.

Muse Your Life Coaching. Reach out to him. He is happy to set up a session with you-

And to help you along the way.

Thank you so much for listening to this episode. I hope that you found the answers that you needed and you had some amazing aha moments. Please share this episode with others because it helps us align ourselves and then better align the world so that we can seek the healing that we really are looking for.

As part of the legal language, I am a certified life coach with a bachelor's in applied health. That is what I am leaning on for this. This is general advice, take it as such. See you in the next episode.